


we've come a long way

by graceana



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Asexual Character, Friends to Lovers, Gray-Asexual Character, Growing Up, Kissing, M/M, Recreational Drug Use, Shotgunning, harry is essentially me in my friend group - aka telling everyone off, how does one tag i haven't done this in forever it seems, i guess this could be considered growing up, lots of spiderman mentions, louis sits in zayn's lap at least twice, niall is a ignorant, zayn is a jerk for a little bit
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-31
Updated: 2015-07-31
Packaged: 2018-04-12 05:04:56
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 27,015
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4466447
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/graceana/pseuds/graceana
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p><em>For the rest of the movie Louis barely pays attention. He’s too focused on the words that Harry said. They keep echoing in the back of his mind:</em> There are people who don’t experience sexual attraction. <em>That’s Louis. That’s what he’s got to be. He wants to know more. He wants to meet people who are like him, who know what it feels like and how confused and scared it makes him.</em></p><p>there are two things louis is confused about. the first is his sexuality, or lack there of? he guesses. the second is why all of a sudden he has feelings for his best friend. </p><p> </p><p>prompt: ACEFIC? Louis and Zayn are best friends who hang out all the time and everyone jokes about them being in love/life partners/boyfriends. They're both so hung up on the idea that dating = sex that they're oblivious to the fact that the joke isn't really a joke maybe until one of them starts going on dates with someone else? Maybe...slowly realizing that sex isn't everything, they've been more than friends for a while and figuring some things out. Non-sexual intimacy ok? Okay!</p>
            </blockquote>





	we've come a long way

**Author's Note:**

  * For [liquidmeasure](https://archiveofourown.org/users/liquidmeasure/gifts).



> okay wow, i can't believe this is finally finished! okay a few things to start, this is my first zouis fic and also my first fic i've written with asexual characters so i really hope i did both justice. i, myself, do not identify as asexual so that's what made me nervous when i decided to write this prompt so i read lots of websites and watched youtube videos made by people who do identify as asexual. 
> 
> all of your prompts were so great but this one definitely stood out to me the most and sort of lured me in tbh, and now here we are. i really hope that it turned out to be something you like! i took an almost growing up, i guess you could say, spin on it! 
> 
> okay! more notes at the end bc if i don't stop now then this will be too long! enjoy! 
> 
> minor trigger for something that could resemble a panic/anxiety attack. 
> 
> title from 'see you again' by wiz khalifa and charlie puth!

_We’ve come a long way,  
from where we began._

♤♢♤

**June 1994**

Louis could never understand why his older cousins didn’t like giving their mums’ hugs or kisses.

“Kiss!” Louis shouts, bouncing on his tiptoes as he stares up at his mother.

She smiles, shaking her head as she bends down to pick Louis up to bring him to eye level. He immediately plants a kiss on her cheek and squeezes her shoulders in a hug.

One of Louis’ favorite things to do is hug his mum. He just loves it so much, she is always so warm and smells of everything that reminds Louis of home, especially reminds him of when his mum bakes cookies. God, Louis loves his mum’s chocolate chips cookies.

“You’ve got a rather affectionate one there, haven’t you, Jo?” one of his mum’s friends from work says.

His mum lets out a laugh, it reminds Louis of the shiny sticks that make noise when it’s windy outside.

“I guess I do,” she says, bopping Louis on the nose. It makes him smile and blush into his mum’s shoulder.

Louis giggles when his mum tickles his side, making him squirm in her arms.

“Can we go see Manny now?” Louis asks, blinking his eyes.

Manny is the new kitten that their neighbors gave them. He’s a little ball of white and brown fluffy fur that tickles Louis’ face if he gets too close.

“We sure can.” His mum smiles, then turns and addresses her friend, “I’ll see you later, Anne.”

“Bye,” Anne says, looking at Louis with a smile. “Bye, Louis!”

“Bye, Mrs. Anne!!” he shouts, waving dramatically.

Before Louis’ mum straps him into his seat in the car, he says, “Mummy, what happened to Anne’s tummy?”

His mum laughs again. “There was a baby in there, remember?”

“A kitten?” Louis asks excitedly.

“No, a little boy just like you!” she bops him on the nose again, making him scrunch up his face.

Louis doesn’t know whether to be sad that it wasn’t a kitten or happy because there’s another little boy. He supposes he could pretend the little baby is a kitten.

Instead of babbling more questions about babies, Louis sits quietly in the back seat and watches as the trees pass through his window.

One day, Louis is going to have so many little kittens - and he’s not referring to babies either.

He sighs, placing his round face into his little hand and stares at the blue sky and starts thinking up a million names for his one million kittens.

♤♢

“Can I hold the kitten?” Louis asks.

There is a tiny boy wrapped in a soft yellow blanket cradled in Anne’s arm. It looks sort of funny, Louis thinks. It doesn’t have a lot of hair on it’s head like Louis does, and it doesn’t talk, just makes funny noises.

Louis’ sitting right next to Anne on the couch, has been glued to that spot ever since Anne went down the hallway when the little white box started crying.

“Baby, Lou,” his mum corrects him.

“Can I hold the baby?” he asks again, though he thinks kitten is a much nicer name.

Mrs. Anne looks at Louis’ mum and then back at Louis.

“How about you sit in my lap and we hold the baby together?” Mrs. Anne says, voice light.

“Okay!” Louis starts bouncing up and down on the couch. He’s never held a baby before. He’s so excited!

Mrs. Anne passes the yellow bundle to his mother before she scoots back on the couch and pulls Louis into her lap.

“Now the trick is to always have an arm or a hand under the baby’s head, okay?” Mrs. Anne starts rearranging his arms, bending his elbows into a weird diamond like shape. She then places her own arms under his tiny ones.

Slowly, his own mum places the little kitten back into their arms, and you wouldn’t believe what happens! The kitten looks right at Louis!!

He wants to throw his hands up but he remembers what Mrs. Anne said about the baby’s head, so he stays as still as he can.

“Hi, kitten.” Louis smiles down at the tiny face that’s staring up at him; the baby’s eyes are so round.

“Bzpl,” the baby babbles.

Louis tries to make his eyes as big as the baby’s and mimics the noise he made. In return the baby smiles up at Louis with a raspberry colored mouth.

“He smiled at me!” Louis says in a high-pitched, excited voice. His own face reflects the smile the baby has on, except Louis has more teeth.

Sighing, Louis stares down at the little being that’s cradled in his arms. There’s a happy smile on his face as the baby blinks up at him and Louis’ heart feels warm when the baby starts to babble up at him again.

There’s a flash that makes both Louis and the baby blink their eyes several times.

“Can me and Kitten play?” Louis asks, hopeful.

He’s never felt so happy before, well maybe when Mum makes those chocolate chip cookies, or when Manny cuddles up with Louis when he has to take a nap. This seems different though, it’s like there are little birdies flying around in his tummy. He feels like he can fly.

Anne smiles down at Louis, grown-ups always smile at him. “He’s too little, but soon he’ll be able to,” she says kindly.

Louis nods, like he understands.

An idea pops into Louis’ head, a bright one that makes a lightbulb glow behind his blue eyes.

“Mrs. Anne can I get down, pwease?” he asks politely. 

Nodding, she lifts the baby so Louis can scramble down from her lap. He rushes over to his mum and whispers in her ear.

“Are you sure?” she asks him. The caterpillars above her eyes start to dance.

Louis nods furiously. He’s determined.

“Okay,” she says before looking to Anne. “We’ll be back in a mo.”

Louis’ mum takes his hand and leads him outside to the car so he can get what he asked for.

He scurries back into the house and stands in front of Mrs. Anne with his hands behind his back, and a huge, toothy smile plastered on his face. He’s about to make Mrs. Anne and her little kitten very happy.

“What’ve you got there?” Mrs. Anne asks sweetly.

“A present,” Louis sing-songs, rocking on his feet.

“For me?” Her eyes go wide in surprise, but they’re not as round as the kitten’s.

“For Kitten.” Louis presents Mrs. Anne with the little stuffed brown bear Louis won with tickets at his cousin’s birthday party.

“Oh, Lou, thank you.” She smiles. “Would you like to give it to him?”

Nodding, Louis walks closer to Mrs. Anne and the kitten. Kitten’s eyes are starting to close very slowly. He looks very sleepy.

“Here you go, Kitten,” Louis says quietly, placing the bear near one of Kitten’s hands. Kitten immediately clutches his chubby little hand around the bear’s paw. “Can I give him a kiss?” Louis asks. He’s only known Kitten for a little while but already knows that he loves the little human.

Mrs. Anne nods.

Carefully, Louis leans forward and places a soft kiss to Kitten’s forehead; Kitten lets out a little breath of air that tickles Louis’ nose.

After they leave Mrs. Anne and her kitten, Louis and his mum are driving home when he asks, “Mummy, can you have a kitten too?”

His mum laughs before looking at him in the little mirror. “But you’re my kitten, Lou.”

The birds in his belly take flight again, and he smiles all the way home.

♤♢

**February 1998**

“Kitten!” Louis yells when he opens the door to Mrs. Anne’s house.

“Louis, how many times have I told you to knock first?” His mother scolds him. She has his sister’s carseat in one arm and her purse and baby bag in the other.

“Sorry,” Louis says, looking down at the floor.

“Oh, Jo. Here let me take that.” Mrs. Anne comes around the corner and takes the baby bag from his mum’s hand.

“Harry’s in his room, love,” Mrs. Anne addresses Louis, placing a hand on his shoulder to direct him in the right direction. As if he doesn’t already know.

He beelines down the hall and up the stairs until he’s throwing open Harry’s door.

“Happy birthday, Kitten!” Louis yells again.

“Wou!” Harry says, stumbling to his feet and rushing over to Louis.

Louis immediately opens up his arms and gives Harry the biggest hug. Louis loves hugging Harry because Harry will let him whenever he wants and for however long he wants.

“You’re four now!!!” Louis says excitedly.

Harry cheeks turn as pink as Louis’ sister’s room.

“I’m still littler than you,” Harry says, almost sadly.

“Hey.” Louis pulls Harry into another hug and pets the little curlies he has at the base of his neck. Louis doesn’t like seeing anyone sad, and the top two people he hates seeing sad include his mum and Harry.

“You may be littler than me but you’ll always be my big little kitten,” Louis says and squeezes around Harry’s small frame before pulling back. His face quickly turns playful when he says, “Want to see your present?”

Instantly, Harry’s face lights up. “Yes!” he shouts, grabbing Louis by the hand and dragging him down the stairs. “Where is it!” Harry says excitedly. He starts looking around the living room and into the kitchen where their Mums and Harry’s sister, Gemma, all are cooing at Louis’ baby sister.

“In the car, silly.” Louis laughs and walks over to peek his head into the kitchen. “Mum, I’m gonna get Harry’s present from the car.”

“Okay, hold on,” she says, getting up from her seat and walking to watch Louis and Harry run outside.

Throwing open the backseat door, Louis half climbs in to grab the shoebox that’s sitting on the middle seat. He carefully takes it out and closes the door.

“Lemme see!” Harry’s physically jumping up and down. It makes Louis’ cheeks hurt with how much he’s smiling. He just loves seeing people happy, especially if _he’s_ the one who’s making them happy. He doesn’t know what it is, there’s just something so satisfying about seeing someone smile so genuinely.

“Come on.” Louis gestures and starts walking back inside, Harry on his heels.

When they’re back inside Louis sits on the floor in the living room; Harry quickly takes his spot directly across Louis.

“Are you ready,” Louis more so states than asks. He knows this present is an epic one and he can’t wait to see Harry’s reaction.

“Yes!” There’s a little groove in Harry’s cheek when he smiles; Louis leans over and pokes it before he pinches Harry’s cheek. “Come on, Wou,” Harry whines, shooing away his attack on Harry’s cheek.

Steeling himself, Louis lifts up the lid to the shoebox and says, “Tada!!”

Harry scrambles to his knees and looks into the box, his face is a picture of awe when he slowly picks up the little figure inside.

“I wove it!” he shouts.

Louis blushes. He’s been making the little lego cat since after his own birthday. It was a little frustrating, especially when he would drop a lego on a floor and then step on it later. The outcome was worth the pain though. The little figure is no taller than 6 inches and is so many different colors that he knew Harry would love it.

Before Harry tackles Louis into a crushing hug, he places the cat on the small table that sits in the center of the room.

“Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!” Harry keeps repeating. He has Louis tackled onto the floor and is crushing him a little, but Louis’ so happy that he made another human being this happy that he doesn’t care if it’s starting to get a little hard to breathe.

“Look at these two,” Louis hears Mrs. Anne say, her voice sounds happy and soft.

Harry untangles himself from Louis’ arms and picks up the little cat before running to his mum.

“Look what Wouis made me!”

Mrs. Anne crouches down and looks at the cat before looking up. “That was very nice of him, did you say thank you?”

“Of course,” Harry says scandalized, like he’s insulted that she even had to ask.

“Why don’t you go put it in your room before everyone else gets here. So it doesn’t get broken.” Mrs. Anne suggests.

“Come on, Wou.” Harry motions with his free hand for Louis to follow him back to his room.

Louis does, they climb the staircase and walk back into Harry’s room where he immediately places the lego cat onto the small table he has by his bed.

“Should we name it?” Harry asks seriously. 

“If you want to!” Louis says excitedly, he didn’t even _think_ of that.

“Hmm.” Harry taps his chin like they’ve seen the evil guys on Power Rangers do. “How about Rainy?”

“Rainy?” Louis asks, confused. Why would Harry want to name his lego cat after the weather.

“Yeah, wike rainbow, except Rainy,” he explains.

Of course. Louis laughs, he never would have thought of that.

“It’s great, Kitten.” Louis smiles and takes a few steps to hug Harry again.”Happy birthday.” 

“Thank you, Wou,” Harry repeats.

“You’re welcome.” Louis pulls away and then presses a small kiss to Harry’s forehead like he’s done since he was a baby. “You think your mum would let us sneak a cupcake?” he asks quizzically.

“If we make our eyes real big and tell Gemma. Gemma’s really good at getting things we shouldn’t have from Mum,” Harry informs.

“Let’s do it.” Louis decides, nodding his head once.

They sneak down the stairs and tell Gemma before the three of them walk into the kitchen like the perfect angels they are. In the end it only takes three times of asking and a pout from the birthday boy until they’re sat at the table with blue frosting staining their mouths.

♤♢

                  **April 2002**

Louis knows everyone in his class. He knows Carly, the girl who always has different animal bracelets on, and he knows Lucas, the boy who knows everything about Batman, and he even knows the quiet boy Jason who is always reading _The Adventures of Captain Underpants_ books.

Louis does not know the new boy who’s sitting right in the front, though.

He squints his eyes when he walks into his classroom and spots him. The boy has dark hair and tanned skin. Louis doesn’t really care about those things, though, he only cares about how the boy is wearing a Power Rangers pullover.

After hanging his bookbag up on the hook in the closet, Louis makes to go say hi to the new boy but Ms. Sullivan calls all of their attention before Louis gets the chance.

“Good morning class,” she calls, voice loud and cheerful.

“Good morning, Ms. Sullivan,” the class repeats back.

“We have a new student today.” She announces, walking over to the boy who is sitting in the front.

“Why don’t you introduce yourself?” Ms. Sullivan encourages. The boy definitely looks like he doesn’t want to do that.

He reluctantly stands, and turns to face the whole class; he looks a little scared.

“Uh, hi,” he starts to say, “My name’s Zayn.”

The class is quiet, which makes Louis uncomfortable so he can only imagine how the new boy - Zayn - feels, standing up there. So, Louis does what he does best. He stands up and says, “My name’s Louis.”

This starts a domino effect that has all of his classmates standing up and saying their names. Ms. Sullivan smiles when the last person says their name. “Thank you, Louis. Thank you, class,” she says with nothing but amusement in her voice.

Ms. Sullivan looks like she’s about to say something else but she’s cut off by the dinging that signals that the morning announcements are about to start.

 

Louis watches Zayn all day long and learns a lot.

Call him curious.

He learns that Zayn doesn’t seem to like to talk much, but that he loves to read and color during free time. He learns that he’s really good at spelling, always shyly raising his hand when Ms. Sullivan asks if anyone knows the answer to what she’s asked.

Perhaps the most important thing that Louis learns, though, is at the end of the day.

They’re all set and ready to be dismissed. They all have on their backpacks and Ms. Sullivan is hastily making sure everyone can do up their zippers on their jackets.

End of the day announcements come on just before they start to call out the various bus numbers. Louis watches Zayn to see what bus he gets on, but he never gets up after one is called. Instead, he patiently waits until the voice over the intercom calls, “And all walkers can now be dismissed.”

Louis gets up, slower than usual, and starts walking towards the classroom door. Zayn is just behind him, saying a timid goodbye to Ms. Sullivan and quickly passing Louis before he speed walks down the hallway.

Louis, himself, speeds up then, and he very non-creepily watches as Zayn walks over to a tall man that has the same dark hair as him. The man gives Zayn a hug before putting an arm over his shoulders and leading him outside.

“Lou?” his mum says.

“Sorry,” he mumbles and walks up to his mum and his sister.

He takes his sister’s hand and follows his mom outside to the car.

Why is Zayn being a walker so important you may be wondering. Well, if you’re a walker that means you live close to the school which means you could possibly live close to fellow walkers.

Louis doesn’t know Zayn, but he’s just made it his mission to change that.

♤♢

It’s been two weeks since Zayn was introduced to the class and Louis _still_ hasn’t had a chance to befriend him.

Today is The Day though. He has made it his goal.

“Everyone line up!” Ms. Sullivan calls when they’ve all settled down into their seats and are being quite. They have art today.

They all scramble, politely when Ms. Sullivan loudly clears her throat, to their places in line and by some miracle Louis ends up standing behind Zayn.

Ms. Sullivan tells them to head out to the hallway and make their way down the hall to the art room. Everyone is very quiet while walking because Ms. Sullivan always tells them how important it is to be quiet for the other students to continue working.

Once they arrive to the art room, Mr. Kelly invites them in and tells them to sit wherever they like just like he does every week.

Louis takes this chance to subtly sit at the same working table that Zayn sits at. He stays quiet while everyone settles in their seats and Mr. Kelly stands in front of the class.

“Today, we’re going to do a free draw session,” Mr. Kelly informs them. “But!” he says loudly, “You have to use one of the techniques we’ve learned over the year.”

Some people groan, making Mr. Kelly laugh.

“I know, art class is a torture isn’t it?” he jokes.

Louis smiles to himself. Mr. Kelly is his favorite activity teacher because of how funny and nice he is. He always lets them talk during free draw and sometimes he’ll even put on the radio or a CD.

After passing out the paper, Mr. Kelly walks over to the table where Louis, Zayn and three other of his classmates are sitting. He crouches down to their level and tells Zayn, “You can draw whatever since you’ve come so late, if you want to use something you’ve learned from your old school you can do that too.” Mr. Kelly smiles.

“Thank you,” Zayn whispers. He’s a very quiet boy.

Louis keeps to himself for a few minutes. He takes his pencil and outlines the shape of a cat with rollerskates on before getting up and grabbing the colors he wants to use to color in the cat using the dotting technique that Mr. Kelly taught them.

After a couple of minutes of his eyes going criss cross from all the dots he’s made so far he looks up and glances towards Zayn. His mouth falls open when he sees the drawing on his paper.

“Is that Spiderman?” Louis asks excitedly.

Zayn startles, slowly looking up to Louis and nods his head.

“Did you see the movie that’s coming out?” Louis asks him. Spiderman is his favorite superhero. Between him and the Power Rangers, Louis really can’t decide.

“Yeah. It looks really cool.” Zayn puts down the colored pencil that was in his hand and focuses all of his attention on Louis before asking, “Who’s your favorite superhero?”

Scoffing, “Spiderman of course!” he practically screeches.

“Louis.” Mr. Kelly scolds lightly.

“Sorry, Mr. K.” Louis blushes, then quietly asks Zayn, “What about you?”

“I like the Green Lantern and Batman the most.” Louis doesn’t know why Zayn seems so shy.

“Green Lantern is sick.” Louis thinks for a moment. “It’d be cool to have one of those rings.”

They continue to talk about their superhero passions while they work on their art pieces. The music Mr. Kelly has playing softly behind them makes the atmosphere happy; it puts a smile on Louis’ face and makes his tummy feel warm.

 

Louis and Zayn continue to talk throughout the day, deciding to pair up when Ms. Sullivan says they can work on math problems with one other person. They work brilliantly together and when Zayn doesn’t get a question right Louis helps him figure out why.

Even during recess Louis invites Zayn to play with him and his usual group of friends.

“Lily fancies Stan,” Brad says the minute their group makes it to their corner of the blacktop that they’ve unofficially claimed as theirs.

Stan’s face goes the brightest shade of pink Louis has ever seen it, and he’s known Stan since grade 1.

“Do you fancy her Stan?” Louis teases.

“No.” Stan tries to lie, rolling his eyes for the effect but it doesn’t work.

“I heard she wants you to be her boyfriend,” Zayn says then.

Everyone turns to him, shocked.

“They sit behind me and don’t know how to whisper.” He shrugs.

Louis cackles. Zayn’s also funny, who knew?

Stan nods sternly, like he’s made up his mind. “Okay, I’m gonna do it.”

He starts to walk away and the rest of their small group starts to holler at him as he walks towards Lily and her two friends she’s always with. The minute one of Lily’s friends sees Stan coming towards them she hits Lily in the arm.

Watching the whole exchange is hilarious and the biggest deal ever because they’re only 10 and 11 years old, and Stan is about to _ask Lily out_.

When Stan comes back his face is even redder than before, but he has a cheeky smile on his face. “Well, I have a girlfriend now.”

Their group laughs, and everything is happy and funny until Brad says, “You know what that means,” and proceeds to make kissing noises and faces.

For some odd reason Louis’ stomach falls to his feet and his mood is completely ruined.

His face must reflect how he’s feeling because Zayn nudges Louis’ arm with his elbow and whispers so no one else can hear, “Are you okay?”

“What?” he asks, but quickly recovers by placing a smile on his face. “‘Course.” He beams at Zayn and ignores how his stomach feels.

♤♢

Lily and Stan end up kissing behind the tree on a Saturday when they all meet up in the park near their houses. The life of being a walker, honestly.

Louis pats Stan on the shoulder like a good friend and continues to ignore why this whole situation makes him feel funny.

At least he’s finally cracked Zayn. Now, he really does know everyone in his entire class.

 

Lily and Stan “break up” when their parents find out about the kiss.

Zayn ends up asking Louis if he’d like to go see the new _Spiderman_ with him and his dad. Louis runs so quickly to ask his mom at the end of the day that Friday he almost trips over his laces.

♤♢

                  **March 2009**

“Mate, that doesn’t even make _sense_.” Louis falls onto the couch that’s in Harry’s basement and hands Zayn the Red Bull he just opened.

“I swear on my life,” retorts Niall.

Louis met Niall about a year and a half ago. Their first interaction was mildly friendly and way too protective because of the circumstance. Harry was upset, Louis misunderstood the whole thing and thought it was Niall’s fault. Sue him for wanting to protect one of his best mates.

“So you’re telling me,” Harry starts, rearranging his limbs on the couch so that his legs are draped over Niall’s lap. “That because Lindsey looked at you and smiled, she likes you?”

Louis rolls his eyes, he doesn’t understand why Niall would think just because a girl smiled at him that she’d like him. Has he not heard that some people are just nice?

“I’ve heard some things.” Niall raises his nose.

“Right, because everything we hear is true.” Louis takes the Red Bull back from Zayn and takes a sip before handing it back.

“So, what have you heard?” Zayn quips, he shifts on the couch so his arm is resting behind Louis.

“Someone told Jason that she fancies me.”

Louis, Zayn and Harry all share a Look.

“What is this, grade school?” Louis laughs.

“Listen, Lou.” Oh great Niall is about to start one of his Irish rants. “She’s a year older and _experienced_.” He waggles his eyebrows.

Louis’ stomach immediately squirms uncomfortably at where this conversation is going. He hates when this subject it brought up. He might even hate it more than Geography homework; and he’s failing that course.

“Niall,” Harry warns, digging his heel into Niall’s bony thigh.

“What!?” He throws his hands up incredulously. “I am a teenage boy. I have _needs_.”

“Yes, let’s talk about what needs a 15 year old boy could possibly have.” Louis tries to joke, but there’s a sinking feeling in his gut, like someone has stuck their hands through his tummy and started twisting his insides.

He swears he’s the only boy in sixth form who hates the subject of sex. He just doesn’t get it?

“Let’s.” Niall smiles. “I mean.” He waggles his eyebrows again. “I’m sure you and Zayn know what I’m talking about.”

Louis squints at him. “What do you mean?”

Louis can see Zayn glaring at Niall from his peripheral vision, and honestly, same.

“Well, you two are well into sixth form. You’ve probably had a bit of fun.” Niall’s voice drips with suggestion.

And. Oh.

The indescribable need to vomit hits Louis then. He’s not sure about Zayn and how he feels but Louis just wants to run; he doesn’t, though.

No, Louis smiles a devilish smirk and raises his eyebrows. “I don’t kiss and tell, Niall.”

Niall whoops and tries to get all the details out of Louis, and with each lie that leaves his mouth he can’t help but feel like he’s losing a bit of himself.

 

That night when Louis’ laying in his bed he thinks.

He’s staring up at his ceiling, surrounded by darkness. The moon isn’t even out tonight, the sky too cloudy and grey for its light to peek through.

He’s never really thought about it before. Like, virginity. Because that was what Niall was essentially implying, that Louis and Zayn weren’t virgins just because they were older. Why does age somehow constitute when you should have had sex with someone? That makes no sense.

Why are teenagers even so obsessed with sex? Or, well, at least everyone he knows is pretty much obsessed with it. Obsessed with who’s dating who and ‘how far they’ve gone.’ First of all, why is that anyone’s but the people in the relationship’s business and secondly, what’s the big deal about sex?

Experimentally, Louis runs his hand down his naked torso and rests it at the hem of his pants. It’s not like he’s never wanked before, but he’s never done it just to do it for pleasure’s sake, it has always been just to get rid of his morning problem.

He tries to think of something that would be deemed sexy. Maybe a girl in a bikini like the posters that Niall has in his room. That’d be a sight, he assumes.

Closing his eyes he runs his hand along the hem of his pants and slowly slides his hand in. Why do people find this fun? Is that what people find it?

He takes his soft dick in his hand and starts to stroke up and down, trying to harden himself up.

It doesn’t feel good. It’s supposed to feel good isn’t it? It just feels weird, so he stops. Nothing is happening anyways.

He pulls his hand out of his pants. Maybe he just has to do it with someone else?

Maybe that’s the problem.

♤♢

Louis is at a party he doesn’t want to be at.

Niall and Harry dragged him, and Zayn for that matter. They were both content with sitting in Zayn’s room playing Mario Kart but, no. Niall and Harry showed up at Zayn’s and physically took each of them by an arm and dragged them to this party.

It’s someone’s birthday, or maybe someone’s parents are just out of town. Louis doesn’t know nor does he give a shit.

At least it’s not just a bunch of 15 and 16 year olds. There are some people here from his class, his age group. That’s slightly comforting.

“Do you think if we snuck out Niall would notice?” Louis whispers to Zayn.

They are currently leaning against one of the beige colored walls in whoever’s house this is.

“I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s put tracking chips in us.” Zayn shrugs.

Louis laughs, head rolling against the wall until it falls on Zayn’s shoulder.

Zayn doesn’t tell him to move or that it bothers him so he leaves it there. They watch the group of kids in the living room. The whole place is dark except for a few lamps placed in corners so people don’t trip. Somehow whoever is throwing this party even got one of those colorful disco balls that you plug into the wall, making the place look like a proper adolescent club.

The music is loud, vibrating under Louis’ feet and up into his chest. The bass is so heavy in the current song that it’s starting to make his ears feel funny.

“Niall’s coming,” Zayn whispers to Louis.

Groaning, Louis lifts his head from Zayn’s shoulder and spots Niall walking towards them. With a girl.

“Oh God,” he grumbles, shifting his weight from foot to foot.

“Hey, lads!” Niall shouts over the music.

Both Louis and Zayn plaster on smiles.

“This is Nicole.” He points to the girl next to him who waves shyly at them. She’s got long brown hair that’s curled and shiny. She’s got on dark jeans a pretty pink shirt that’s flowy. She seems sweet, Louis thinks he's seen her around with Niall before in school.

“Hi,” Louis and Zayn say simultaneously.

Niall not so obviously then grabs Zayn by the arm and says, “Come get a drink with me.”

Louis tries not to look as uncomfortable as he’s feeling right now. He’s just been put in the most awkward position he could have ever been put in. No use in taking it out on the girl though.

“What’s up?” he asks politely.

She shrugs. “Lindsey dragged me here.” Another shrug. She keeps looking down at her feet like she’s too shy to look Louis in the face. He isn’t stupid, he knows why Niall brought her over here.

“Our friends have something in common.” His tone is joking, light.

She takes a step closer and puts a hand on his forearm and giggles. Oh no. Oh God, please no.

He shoots her a quick, friendly smile before he starts scanning the crowd for Zayn or Harry or _anyone_. He needs someone to save him from this. He doesn’t want whatever is happening right now to continue but he can’t stop it himself. It’ll be like a cop out and Niall would probably never shut up about it. At this point Louis would rather suffer now, quickly, than suffer later and for a more extended period of time.

As nonchalantly as he can he steps over to the side so her hand falls away from his arm.

There’s some part of his brain that whispers to him. Tells him that this is good. That this will keep the whole facade alive that he’s ‘experienced’ that he isn’t some weirdo 17 year old who is still a virgin and finds sex a little weird.

Then again, maybe this is what he was thinking the other night. Possibly.

He silently apologises to whoever created the universe and plasters one of the fakest and flirtiest smiles on his face.

By some miracle and every drama class he’s ever taken in his entire life he chats her up. He gets her laughing until she’s literally draping herself all over him. He smiles at her and grabs her hand, leading her down the hall and into the bathroom he kept seeing people go into.

He’s kissed a person or two in his life, so that parts easy. He kisses her against the door for a few minutes, trailing his hands on her sides. Her arms are around his neck one second and then gone the next. He feels her shyly grab onto the belt loops along his jeans and thinks about  pulling away; he doesn’t.

There’s no feeling. He doesn’t _feel_ anything. There’s no arousal or tingling or _anything_.

Shyly, and quickly, he pulls away.

“Sorry, babe,” he mutters, kissing her on the cheek and running out of the bathroom before his button was even undone. 

♤♢

Louis doesn’t talk to anyone for the entire weekend.

He stays in his room and thinks.

There’s an idea he’s been toying with for a while now. It’s not really like he hasn’t thought about it before but maybe he just needed some sort of confirmation. Maybe _this_ has been the problem all along.

On his ceiling there’s a bright green spot from where he got silly putty stuck when he was 7 years old; he stares at it.

He guesses it would make sense right? What if the reason every time Niall brings up sex he feels so weird about it because it’s implied that it’s with a girl? What if that’s what puts him off so much.

It would make sense, he assumes.

Blinking up at the spot on his ceiling he considers. Goes over some things in his head. The bathroom incident with Nicole. He thinks back to when he was 13 and briefly remembers writing Stan’s name on a piece of paper in his room and drawing a heart around it.

“I’m gay.” He tries quietly. It doesn’t freak him out to say, makes him feel a little lighter, a little more himself.

It makes sense, doesn’t it?

♤♢

Like any human being, Louis gets curious.

It’s late, so late that his entire house is asleep and the moon has already moved more than halfway across the sky. His room is covered in darkness. There’s no night light and no glow from the moon because the clouds keep drifting by like a worn out, holy, blanket.

He’s not sure what sparks his curiosity, probably his encounter with Nicole mixed with his realisation this weekend. At first he ignored it, but now he can’t stop thinking about it.

Making a frustrated noise into the night air of his bedroom he throws the blanket off his body and grabs his laptop from his desk and locks his bedroom door before he sits back down on his bed.

Every teenage boy does this. That’s his rationalisation.

The laptop flickers on with a blue glow that makes him squint his eyes. He looks towards his door, paranoid that someone will walk in even though it’s 2 a.m and he’s already locked his door.

Youtube’s home screen stares at him from where he left it open before he decided to lay down nearly 5 hours earlier. It’s almost like it’s judging him. He looks away quickly before he changes his mind and clicks open an incognito window.

He’s never done this before because he never saw the appeal so he does what anyone would do when they themselves have no clue. He opens Google.

The cursor blinks at him while he tries to figure out where to go from here. He looks back towards his door and bites his fingers, getting up to just make sure it’s locked.

Okay, he thinks when he sits back down in front of the screen. He brings his fingers to the keyboard and starts to slowly type: _gay porn_.

About a million and two results pop up which in and of itself overwhelms Louis so he clicks the first one that’s blue and seems like it won’t give his computer a virus that he would not want to have to explain to his mother.

Is there a way that people pick a video? They all look pretty fucking weird to Louis. He feels a knot in his stomach that feels strangely like discontent but he decides is nerves.

After shoving his headphones in his ears he closes his eyes and clicks on whatever video the cursor lands on. Not the best strategy, probably, but Louis doesn’t really care, he just wants to quench his curiosity.

The video starts to play in his ears with cheesy music that makes Louis laugh. How do people get off on this? Is the music supposed to put you ‘in the mood’ because it just makes Louis feel like he’s watching a Youtube video that used the supplied audio files.

He skips through until the two guys on the screen start to kiss.

As he watches, he doesn’t really start to feel anything.  Sure, the kissing looks fun, the two people who are kissing are attractive but it doesn’t turn on any switch in Louis’ brain like he thinks it should.

He skips over the kissing, but physically backs away and cringes when he sees one of the guys jacking off the other one. It’s not that he think it’s disgusting for people to do that, it’s just that he doesn’t get it? He doesn’t get why people feel the need, or want, to make other people come?

Looking down at himself he realises that he isn’t even hard. He doesn’t think he could get hard watching this if he tried to.

That doesn’t make sense, though. Does it? Because isn’t the point of porn to turn you on? To make you imagine yourself in one of the actor’s position, imagining yourself doing things to someone - or having things done to you? But Louis doesn’t feel anything. The most he feels is somewhat confusion, because how exactly is genitala supposed to be arousing? Especially someone else’s. God, he wishes someone could just explain it to him, because then maybe all of this would make more sense.  

He closes out the tab and takes out his headphones, his ears forever scarred with the weird sound lube and hand motions make when combined. After he places his laptop on the floor and slides it under his bed so he doesn’t step on it in the morning, he lays back down and stares at the ceiling.

How can he have come to the conclusion that he’s gay but he’s just watched gay pon and didn’t even get a semi? Like, surely, even though the porn was probably bad, he would’ve had some sort of feeling of arousal, right?

But he’s thought about boys for a while. He can see himself holding hands with them. He can see himself with a boyfriend in the future who would do ridiculous things with him even if they could get them in trouble. He can see himself loving a boy with all of his heart… but he can’t imagine being sexual with one?

Is that possible? Can you know you can like someone romantically but not sexually?

Louis’ not even sure that’s a thing, but then again if it’s not then is there something wrong with him?

Turning around so that he’s laying on his stomach, Louis nuzzles his face into his pillow and squeezes his eyes shut. He just wants to stop thinking and go to sleep.

Why couldn’t he be normal? He easily accepted the fact that he liked boys but now this weird thing too? What does it even mean? He lets out a small whimper-sound and forces himself to stop thinking before he starts to really cry.

His eyes finally get heavy and his mind starts to fog. He drifts off to sleep and the last thought before fully going under being that he forgot to unlock his door.

♤♢

**July 2010**

Louis cracks open a sleepy eye. There’s so much light pouring through Zayn’s window and straight onto Louis’ face that it woke him up.

He rolls over, snuggling under the covers until his whole head is covered. He sighs, opening his eyes again when he feels something poking him in the chest.

“What?” Louis deadpans, he’s so tired and it’s so early.

“Time is it?” Zayn mutters.

“Too early.” Louis buries himself deeper until his nose bumps against Zayn’s sharp collarbones.

He hums and snakes his hands around Zayn’s middle until he’s tucked himself around him like a koala.

“You’re lucky I have air conditioning,” Zayn mumbles, adjusting his body to accommodate Louis’ snuggling attack.

Louis loves cuddles, he always has and probably always will. He also loves Zayn for letting him cuddle him like this. Niall gets too claustrophobic and Harry would rather be cuddled than cuddle someone else.

Humming, Louis pinches Zayn's side where his hand is resting.

“Hey!” Zayn squawks.

A devilish smile makes its way onto Louis face, an idea worming its way into his mischievous brain.

He waits about 30 seconds until he squirms his head out of his blanket cocoon and then throws one of his legs over Zayn’s hip, successfully straddling him.

Zayn looks up, a knowing look on his face. “Don’t do it, Louis.” He pleads.

“I’m gonna do it,” Louis says through laughs, bringing his hands up for theatrics and then plunging them down onto Zayn’s waist and digging his blunt fingertips into the soft flesh around Zayn’s hips. It’s something he does to any of the boys, or even his sisters but Zayn happens to hate it the most.

“Louis!” he scream-whispers so he doesn’t wake up anyone else who may still be sleeping.

Louis doesn’t let up, digging his fingers in and wiggling them until Zayn is squirming and laughing with his entire body.

Zayn shifts to try and get away from Louis but miscalculates the distance of the edge of the bed. Before the both of them know it, they’re falling to the floor with two loud thuds. Louis landing half on Zayn and half on the floor.

“Shit.” Louis laughs breathlessly.

“I hope we didn’t wake my mum up,” Zayn states, wiggling around and pushing Louis off of him so he can probably breathe.

“I’m sure she’ll let us know if we did.” Louis laughs again, sitting up and rubbing at his elbow where it banged against the floor. “What should we do today?”

“Don’t know.” Zayn stands and grabs a shirt from a pile on the floor. He smells it and shrugs before slipping it over his head.

Louis wonders if that one action sums up young adulthood.

Scratching at his stomach, Louis hums. Thinking.

“We could go to Niall’s. Bother him. I’m sure he’d be up for it.” He suggests.

“Niall’s leaving for Ireland today, remember?” Zayn reminds him, walking over and sitting on his bed again.

“I hate summer,” Louis mutters.

“Too much expectation.” Zayn agrees.

“Wanna just skate to the pool?”

They’ve done that so many times already this summer that it’s probably going to end up being their default when they’re bored. It’s just. Summer is too expectational, especially when it’s the summer before you’re supposed to be going off to university; Louis shudders at the thought.

It’s not that he doesn’t want to go to university, it just has to do with the pressure.

He feels like there’s so much pressure on him. Most of that pressure comes from himself. He just feels like he needs to do well, he needs to succeed to support his mum and his sisters. He needs to do this for them. For himself.

“You okay?” Zayn asks.

“Yeah.” Louis sighs. 

Standing, Zayn walks over to his window and squints when he pulls back the curtain.

“It looks like it’s gonna rain.”

“When doesn’t it look like it’s about to rain?”

Zayn lets the curtain fall back into place and turns to Louis, rolling his eyes.

“What if we just,” Zayn gestures with his hand flippantly, “Stay in and watch some movies? I think I could get mum to make us that chicken you like so much.”

Louis smiles and his stomach grumbles at the thought. “Can she make those smoothies too?”

“A lassi?” Zayn chuckles. “Yeah, I’ll ask.”

“You know what I could go for now, though?” Louis hops up from his spot on the floor.

“I think I do.” Zayn smiles his dorky little smile and throws Louis the shirt he threw on the floor last night before they went to bed.

“Really? What then?” Louis teases, shucking his shirt over his head.

“Well, let’s see. I’ve known you for 8 years now, and almost every morning you eat the same thing,” Zayn says while walking over to his bedroom door and opening it.

Louis follows behind him. “I don’t eat the same thing every morning.”

“Just because you eat different brands of cereal doesn’t constitute you eating a different thing every morning.”

“Oou, constitue,” he mocks, causing Zayn to shoot him a pointed look. Louis doesn’t miss his pinkened cheeks.

Louis loves this. He loves being able to tease Zayn mercilessly. It’s, of course, all good naturedly, he’d never want to do anything that could hurt Zayn. They’re best friends and they always will be.

Zayn gives just as good as he gets, knows exactly how to tease Louis until he’s a blushing, blubbering mess.

“You weren’t saying that when I helped you pass English last term.”

“Ouch.” Louis places a hand over his heart in mock hurt.

Zayn looks over his shoulder as he enters the kitchen and raises a dark eyebrow. He doesn’t say anything but Louis knows what he’s trying to imply: that if it weren’t for Zayn he wouldn’t have passed English. Which is half-true.

Louis crosses his eyes and sticks out his tongue at him.

♤♢

Turns out doing relatively nothing but watch movies and eat some hella good food with your best friend is enough to title it one of The Best Days of Summer.

“We should watch that one with that kid next. You know the one with the zombies.” Louis takes another bite of chicken. It’s his favorite thing on the planet and Zayn’s mum makes it spectacularly. Louis loves it so much that Trisha - Zayn’s mum - actually gave her recipe to Louis’ own mum.

Louis will never admit this to his mum but he prefers Trisha’s over hers.

He’s not even sure what he likes about it so much, it’s slightly sweet with just a kick of spice that makes his mouth dance. It’s fucking amazing.

“Zombieland?” Zayn has his plate balanced on his lap as he scrolls through his laptop, looking for another movie.

“Yeah!”

“We’ve seen that about a hundred times.” Zayn rolls his eyes, and scoops up some chicken into his mouth as he looks at Louis.

“Your point being?”

“We should watch something we haven’t seen before.”

Why does Zayn always have to be logical.

“Okay.” He shrugs. “You pick then.”

“Um,” Zayn mutters. Louis can hear a nervous lilt to his voice as he brings his hand back to the trackpad and starts scrolling again. “You can’t laugh.”

“Why would I mate?”

“‘Cause.” Zayn presses play so quickly Louis doesn’t even catch what he’s put on until the opening scene is playing on the TV where the laptop is hooked up to.

“Mate.” Louis chokes around a bite of rice when he sees what he’s chosen.

Right there on the TV screen Louis sees the girl from _Mean Girls_ who plays Karen and Channing Tatum. Louis smiles, turning to Zayn with a raised eyebrow.

Zayn makes to go turn it off, a scowl on his face. Louis reaches out and stops him with a hand placed atop Zayn’s own hand.

“Leave it.” Louis looks right into Zayn’s dark eyes, like he could bore into his soul with how okay he is with this, that he doesn’t care he’s picked a movie that’s stereotypically seen as “girly” just because of the level of romance it has in it.

Nodding, Zayn highers the volume and returns to eating his chicken and his rice.

They finish the movie with limited interruptions. Louis will be honest he didn’t think watching _Dear John_ would make him cry but he will admit that towards the end his eyes were blurry with tears.

“You think your mum will let you stay over again?” Zayn asks, closing out the moving and then standing to get up and stretch out his limbs. Louis hears a few pops when Zayn leans backwards and scrunches up his nose.

“Maybe.” Louis shrugs and pulls out his phone.

 _can i stay at zayn’s again,_ he types out.

“We still haven’t had the lassies.” Zayn points out like Louis doesn’t know.

Laughing, Louis stands up and punches Zayn in the shoulder.

His phone buzzes on the couch; he grabs it.

**_You might as well just move in there lol_ **

His mum thinks she’s cool because she uses ‘lol.’ Why are parents like this? His phone buzzes again.

**_You can stay. I need you home early to watch the girls though._ **

He’s just about to respond when his phone buzzes yet again.

 **_And yes, Zayn can come if he would like to_ ** **.**

Mum’s know their children so well.

Louis smiles, throwing his arm over Zayn’s shoulders as he’s walking by him to go towards the kitchen to grab their lassies.

“I can stay,” he chirps, placing a playful kiss to Zayn’s cheek. It instantly apples up into a smile that makes a pleasant happiness swell and settle in Louis’ chest.

♤♢

There are two things Louis has done most of his life: go to school and watch his sisters.

It doesn’t bother him, they all know how to entertain themselves, for the most part, all he really has to do is make sure no one gets hurt and that the house doesn’t burn down.

“Hand me that remote, will you?” Louis motions towards his nightstand to Zayn, who is currently lounging on his bed, flipping through one of Louis’ comic books.

This morning when Louis and Zayn arrived at Louis’ for babysitting duty they were half zombified. Why? Well, _someone_ , and it definitely was not Louis, suggested an all nighter because why not? They’re young. It’s summer. What else have they got to do?

Now, at precisely 1:24 p.m. according to his phone, Louis and Zayn are both regretting this decision.

“What time does your mum get home?” Zayn asks, handing Louis the small rectangular remote for his stereo. 

“Hopefully 5, but she’s been working late a couple days a week.” Louis sighs, pressing the skip button to change the song on the CD that Harry and Niall made him for his birthday the year before.

Beside him Zayn echoes his sigh, closing the comic book and placing it on the night stand. Louis turns his head and watches as Zayn scoots down the bed and turns onto his side. Louis doesn’t protest when Zayn shifts closer to him and wraps his arms around Louis’ middle, placing his head on his chest.

Huffing out a small chuckle, Louis half-whispers. “I know how you feel.”

After lowering the volume on the stereo, Louis sets the remote down on his lap and brings his now free hand to Zayn’s fluffy hair. He will never admit it, but if there’s one thing Louis loves to do it’s play with people’s hair. There’s just something fascinating about how a few light touches and a gentle rhythm can lull someone into a peaceful sleep.

Louis hums with the songs as they play out, each dozing Zayn into a deeper and deeper sleep as more time passes. It’s not long before sleep is pulling at Louis. He tries to stay awake but his blinks get longer in between until he just can’t keep his eyes open anymore.

Maybe he can snooze for a few minutes, Lottie’s home, if anything happens she’ll wake him up. He just needs a few minutes, he thinks, before drifting off, hand still resting in Zayn’s hair.

 

“Lou?”

There’s a hand on Louis’ shoulder, shaking him.

“Louis?” Comes the same voice. “Lou _is_.”

When Louis blinks his eyes open, Lottie is standing at the side of his bed with an annoyed look on her face.

“What time is it?” he mutters, mouth dry from sleep.

“4:30. Mum said to get stuff out for pasta for dinner,” she says before walking out of the room, not staying for any longer than she has to. A true teenager.

“Shit.” Louis goes to shift but is stopped by the weight of Zayn on his chest. Slowly, Louis maneuvers out from Zayn’s sleepy body and sleepily stumbles downstairs and into the kitchen where Lottie is standing at the counter, sipping on a juice pouch.

She stays quiet while Louis takes out the pot for the water and places it on the stove before taking the kettle and filling it up with water for a cup of much needed caffeine. 

“Are you and Zayn boyfriends?” Lottie says curiously.

Slowly, Louis turns around from where he was grabbing a mug from the cabinet and blinks at her, confused.

“Why would you think that?” he asks.

She shrugs and takes another sip of her juice pouch. “You guys are always with each other, and you guys sleep like that.” She motions with her hand towards the stairs.

“That doesn’t mean we’re together.” The thought is sitting oddly in his brain. “Lottie, you know me and Zayn are best friends. I mean I’m the same way with Niall or Harry, aren’t I?” He questions, almost more to himself than to her.

Shrugging again, she sucks on her juice pouch until it’s empty and then blows air into it. “I mean, I guess.”

Louis doesn’t get to question her anymore about it because she dumps her empty pouch into the bin and walks out of the room.

He stays in the kitchen with a confused scrunch to his face and a warm cup of tea in his hands so long that the water in the pot starts to boil with big, rolling bubbles. He should pour the pasta into the water before it starts to evaporate but he can’t get Lottie’s comment out of his mind.

Finally, he puts down his mug and turns around to pour the box of pasta into the water and stir it around before the noodles start to stick to each other. Just when he’s about to throw the box into the bin a pair of slim arms wrap around his waist and a chin rests on his shoulder.

Louis involuntarily tenses up at the contact before he, hopefully, smoothly eases out of Zayn’s hold and steps to throw the box away.

A moment of confusion flashes over Zayn’s face before it’s quickly masked by indifference.

“I just wanted to let you know that I’ve got to get going. Mum texted.” He shrugs, shoving his hands into the pockets of his faded skinny jeans. His favorite pair as he’s told Louis so many times.

“Okay. Yeah, Mum’s probably gonna give me an earful for falling asleep anyways.” Louis has never felt awkward around Zayn, not once in his life has he ever felt awkward around him. Not when Louis told him he liked boys and when Zayn replied that he liked boys too, and girls for that matter.

Zayn nods and turns to walk to the front door; Louis follows.

“Text me when you get home, okay?” Louis tells him.

“Like always,” Zayn says in a soft voice. His face relaxes into an amused and affectionate expression.

Louis chuckles, a smile working its way onto his face as he rolls his eyes.

He watches as Zayn gets to the end of the street and then turns to go onto his own street.

When he closes the door he has a weird feeling tingling through him. He could peg it as confusion, but it almost feels like he’s excited, as if he were going on vacation to somewhere he’s never been before. Like something new is going to happen.

He shakes his head and locks the door, walking back to the kitchen. His mother will kill him if the pasta is overcooked.

♤♢

                  **September 2011**

For some reason for over a year now everyone keeps joking that Louis is dating Zayn, when they are in fact not dating.

Louis doesn’t really know how it starts, or why in the world it starts being a thing their friends tease them about. Even Louis’ own _sisters_ will tease him about it. Lottie was being so infuriating once that Louis had to actually, physically, remove himself from his house and take a walk. Which of course prompted Lottie in shouting, “Going to your boyfriend’s, Lou!?”

You know what makes it even more frustrating? The implication makes Louis blush. Like, what the fuck is up with that?

It doesn’t happen all of the time, but on occasion when him and Zayn are with Harry and Niall out at the shops Zayn will link their hands together just because it’s comfortable for both of them. Almost 90% of the time Niall will comment on it and Louis will have pinked cheeks as he spits out some comment about that one time Niall ended up doing seventh heaven with Harry. So they’re boyfriends now too, right?

There comes a time when the abnormal becomes normal, though. Now, when someone says something, whether Louis and or Zayn know them or not, they either play it up or just don’t even comment on it. The key to making something go away or stopis not even acknowledging it. Most of the time.

Thank you negative reinforcement.

Now, when the comments come Louis pretty much ignores them. He doesn’t blush anymore except on those rare occasions when he and Zayn will be cuddling on the couch and Louis will remember something someone said about them. He never lets himself think about it too much.

“Fucking sick, bro.” Zayn nudges Louis with his elbow to draw his attention towards the wall that’s lined with backpacks.

“Which one?” Louis asks, shifting closer to Zayn to try and make out which one he’s pointing to.

“Which one do you think?”

“The one with the panda eyes and ears attached?” Louis’ face pulls into an amused smile, laughing when Zayn shouts, “Of course!”

“Are you gonna get it?” Louis asks, already looking around the store for someone who works there.

“Yeah, it’s cool.” Zayn shrugs, still glancing up at the wall.

Louis waves over a girl who has bright Hailey Williams’ red-orange hair and asks, “Could you grab that panda bag, please?”

Nodding, she grabs a long metal stick with a hook at the end of it from one of the corners, and walks back until she can lift the bag right off of the hook, bringing it down to their level and then handing it to Louis.

Smiling, Louis hands the bag to Zayn. “There you go, babe.”

“Thanks, boo,” Zayn replies, a playful smile on his face while Louis cheekily punches him in the shoulder.

The girl’s expression changes from bored to amused. “You two are quite cute together.”

Louis glances at Zayn who immediately meets his eyes; they smile.

“Yeah,” Louis says throwing his arm over Zayn’s shoulders as Zayn slinks his arm around Louis’ waist, pinching at the hem of his shirt.

“How long have you two been together?” she asks.

Louis loves making up stories.

“About a year and a half now? Yeah.” Louis beams, rubbing his fingers along Zayn’s shoulder and neck, which he notices makes the other boy shiver a little.

The girl’s smile turns wicked in a split second before she’s leaning in, stage-whispering, “I bet you guys have fun in the bedroom.” She waggles her eyebrows before being called to the back by another co-worker.

Louis tries not to visibly cringe at the last comment she’s made. He slowly unlinks himself from Zayn and starts walking out of the shop to get some air because of how suffocated he feels.

“I’ll meet you outside,” he says back to Zayn, who looks indifferent but also mildly shocked to say the least.

When the cool air hits Louis’ face he takes a deep breath, letting it wash through his entire body until it feels like he can’t inhale anymore. On the exhale he tilts his head up towards the cloudy sky. It’s supposed to rain today, Louis wouldn’t run back inside if it started to right now.

It’s not even the fact that this person who didn’t even know them said something like that to them that has him grossed out. It’s not even the fact that she insinuated that him and Zayn have sex _together_. It’s honestly just the sex fact itself.

Wait. Louis’ eyes fly open as he tilts his head back down and looks back into the store. Zayn’s just handing the cashier his money.

If this is how he acts towards sex with someone he occasionally pretends to be boyfriends with then how would it be in a real relationship? Is that even possible? Do people have relationships and not have some type of sexual activity between them?

The world starts spinning around him, his breath comes out in quick bursts as he stumbles back until he’s leaning against the storefront. He feels sick, like every organ is pushing its way up his throat to be spat out on the pavement.

How is he supposed to ever have a relationship? He’s pretty much accepted the fact that sex is just a foreign thing to him. He doesn’t know why or if it’s a symptom of something, or what.

He doesn’t want to go through life lonely. He wants to be able to love someone. He wants to be able to kiss someone on the forehead right before bed and wrap his arms around them until they drift off to a peaceful sleep.

“Hey, you okay?” Zayn’s hand slides onto his shoulder, squeezing.

Louis looks up from his hunched stature to see a blurry Zayn staring down at him, face scrunched in worry. Apparently it started to rain, heavily, as it sounds like static as it hits the road and pavement.

Swallowing, Louis stands straighter and blinks what he would like to assume is rain from his eyes but he’s pretty sure are tears. Without warning he wraps his arms around Zayn and snuggles into his neck as it rains around them. Zayn brings up a hand to rub on his back and doesn’t break the silence around them; Louis’ thankful.

“Sorry, I. Just.” Louis pulls away shrugging.

“Don’t worry about it.” Zayn tilts his head and blinks as the rain falls down his face, clumping his eyelashes together. “Wanna head to mine? We can chill. Maybe take a nap.” He pauses and seems to consider his next words before breaking out into a very soft smile, nudging his shoulder playfully against Louis. “I know how much you love cuddles when it’s raining out.”

Louis laughs wetly as his chest bursts in some form of relief. He’ll always have Zayn. Zayn gets him. Whoever Zayn marries will just have to put up with Louis because no one seems to get him like Zayn does.

“Heyyy.” Louis sniffles before poking Zayn in the side with his index finger. “You love it just as much!”

Cackling, Zayn pulls away, running down the street as the rain comes down around him in sheets. The white plastic bag in his hand swings wildly.

“Are you coming, Lou?” he shouts, stopping at the corner.

Louis laughs, tilting his head back and up to the sky again. He lets the rain hit his face and run down his neck until it’s nearly soaking his entire shirt.

He runs towards Zayn, easily catching up and passing him out. When he hears the tell tale sign of Zayn’s shoes slapping against the pavement, he looks over his shoulder and shouts, “No! Never!”

His chest lightens up, expanding with each stomp of his foot as the words sink into his brain. Laughing manically, he throws his arms over his head and shouts again, “Never!”

♤♢

                  **May 2012**

“Louis.” Zayn walks into the living room, a cereal box in hand and a frustrated face. Louis looks up from his bowl of cereal and blinks. “Why don’t you ever throw the box away when you’ve finished?”

There are a few flakes of cereal left in Louis’ bowl, he scoops them up onto his spoon and slurps them obnoxiously into his mouth. After swallowing he brings the bowl up to his mouth and chugs down the remainder of the milk before placing his bowl on the coffee table and crossing his feet right next to it.

Zayn blinks at him from the kitchen’s entrance. Unamused.

“If I did then you’d never know to get more.” Louis smirks, his stomach starts to bubble from the annoyed yet slightly affectionate look that Zayn gets on his face.

“You know,” Zayn begins before turning around to go back into the kitchen, “I sometimes wonder why I ever decided living with you would be a good idea.”

“You love me!” Louis shouts.

“I question why I do that too,” Zayn mumbles just loud enough for Louis to hear him from the lounge.

Louis cackles, head thrown back in amusement. Zayn wouldn’t be able to get rid of Louis if he tried his hardest to do so. 

A notification bubble pops up in Louis’ email just as he grabs his phone. Usually, he’d ignore his emails until later but today he decides to click it open and read over the actual email before sliding his finger to delete.

“Oi, mate!” Louis yells to Zayn, sitting up properly and over the edge of the couch as he reads over the email again.

“What?” Zayn says muffled behind his own bowl of cereal - they have quite the collection.

“We should go paintballing today.” Louis starts. “And I know what you’re thinking. ‘Too expensive.’” Louis mocks Zayn’s drawl. “But if we show them this,” he waggles his phone towards Zayn, “We get, like, 50% off or summat.” He shrugs and leans back again. “It’s better than sitting in here all day, innit?”

Shrugging, Zayn crunches around his spoon. “Might as well.”

 

Louis and Zayn have a few favorite pass times: smoking, skateboarding, and paint balling. There's just something thrilling about running around shooting colorful balls at people and then going to grab a pint with them afterwards.

Sadly, they don't get to go too often because it can be a bit pricey and their university budgets don't allow it.

Thank goodness for email deals, though.

"Do you think we should have called Harry and Niall?" Zayn asks as they walk up to the desk at the paintball course.

"Nah, Harry dragged Niall to some art exhibit in London." Louis pulls out his phone as they reach the desk and patiently waits for the boy with the soft brown fringe to get off the phone.

"He actually got Niall to go to one of those?" Zayn's eyebrows crawl up his forehead. It's not that Niall doesn't like art, he would usually rather sit at home and watch football, though.

"That's what I said."

"Sorry about that." The boy behind the corner hangs up the phone and turns his attention towards Louis and Zayn. His fringe hangs over his deep brown eyes. There's a kindness there that makes Louis smile genuinely at him.

"That's alright, mate." Louis smiles.

The boy blushes, making his face turn a soft shade of pink, like the pads of a kitten's paw. "How may I help you today?"

"I have this email I got today." Louis opens the email and shows it to the boy who scans it with his eyes.

"Oh, I'm sorry that's not valid until this weekend." His expression looks sad for them. His big eyes are scrunched and the pink in his cheeks has vanished.

"That's alright. We'll just have to come back this weekend then." Louis winks, making the boy splutter and flush again. "Won't we, Zayn?"

When Louis looks at Zayn, he's darting his eyes between Louis and the boy behind the desk. There's a faint scowl hidden in the corner of Zayn's mouth and glare in his eyes.

That's weird. Zayn usually laughs and joins in when Louis playfully flirts with an innocent person.

"If you come back between 12 and 4 on Saturday with a group you can play against the league that practices here."

Louis smiles sweetly. "We'll have to keep that in mind. Thanks for your help..." he trails off not knowing the boy’s name.

"Liam," he says softly, almost shyly. He looks down at where his hands are fidgeting with a pen.

"See you this weekend, Liam." Louis winks at him again before turning around to return to the parking lot. Then, he turns his attention to Zayn and asks, "What's up with you?" There’s a tense set to his shoulders and - what louis can only describe as disgruntled - look on his face.

"What?" Zayn says dumbly.

Louis scrunches his face at Zayn's profile when they get into the car. Zayn isn’t necessarily easily annoyed and Louis’ known him long enough to know that he hasn’t done anything to annoy him in the last 15 minutes. Or has he? Nothing he’s aware of anyways.

"Alright then,” Louis mutters. He turns the key in the ignition and immediately highers the radio to fill the strange silence that’s settled between them.

♤♢

There is something exhilarating about Fridays. It’s as if no matter what your life schedule is (school, work, or some combination of both) Friday is that savior day. That day you know that the weekend has arrived and you’re expected to do just a little less than during the week.

For example, Louis has work tomorrow - Saturday - and it’s only a short shift to cover for someone, and even knowing that he stills gets the freeing feeling that only Fridays bring.

Maybe he’s just been conditioned by his pre-college days of schooling.

“Oi!” Louis shouts just as he’s shouldering on his black denim jacket. His current shift at the editing and publishing office he works at as a personal assistant has just ended but there’s one more thing he has to do before he leaves.

“You talkin’ to me, mate?” Karl pops around the row of lockers they have on the end of their floor. It always confused Louis why they did, he guesses some editors end up staying late to check and double check the work they need to get done before a deadline.

Karl is only two years older than Louis, with deeply tanned skin like he’s spent everyday out on a boat in the mediterran. His eyes are the lightest shade of green Louis has ever seen, even lighter than Harry’s.

“Yeah, I’m talking to you.” Louis nods, checking around the corner to make sure that they’re alone.

“Ahh,” Karl says in one of the thickest Liverpool accents Louis has possibly ever heard come out of a person.  “So, that’s why you called me over.”

“It’s been a rough week.” Louis confides, his shoulders dropping just a hint. He’s been analysing Zayn’s strange mood from the paintball course ever since they left. It hasn’t been good for his sleeping schedule to say the least.

“The usual?” Karl lets his bag slide off his shoulder until his face contorts in realisation. “Actually, can we walk to my car? It’s just in the garage. I forgot I stopped bringing it into the building.”

Louis nods. “No problem,” he says, closing his locker and spinning the lock.

 

It’s funny because Louis actually knew Karl before he got the job at the office. Karl actually _got_ him the job. All because Louis and Zayn like to smoke every now and then. Small world, or however that saying goes.

Karl opens his trunk with the clicker on his key ring and removes the compartment where the spare tire would go. He pulls out another backpack and pulls out two small clear bags and exchanges them for the two 10 notes Louis has in his hand.

“Closing up shop?” Louis shoves the bags in his jacket pocket.

“Trying to. I only really still deal with some regulars that I’ve had for years.” He shrugs, closing the spare tire slot and then the trunk.

Louis nods. “Well, thanks, man. I’ll see you Monday.”

“See ya!” Karl says. He turns back towards Louis when he starts walking towards his own car in the garage that’s attached to their building. “Oh, hey, Tomlinson! Thanks for covering that meeting for me tomorrow!”

Laughing, Louis shouts back, “No problem mate! Just give me a discount next time!”

 

The first time Louis ever smoked his eyes watered. He was 16? Maybe 15 even. He and Zayn were at a party and one of Zayn’s sisters’ friends pulled them both into a smaller closet in one of the bedrooms. A cubbyhole, you could say.

He wasn’t sure how many joints or bowls were being passed around between the 7 or 8 kids who were in the small room, but soon enough the whole room was hazy with the thick gray substance. It burned Louis’ throat and his eyes were even more red from him rubbing them.

It was pretty fucking great, though.

“We should smoke this in the closet. Or the bathroom.” Louis suggests when Zayn comes back from the kitchen with a glass of juice.

“I never understood your obsession with smoking out small places.” Zayn shakes his head. “If you really want to though.” He shrugs.

Louis stands and grabs his own drink from the table and heads towards the bathroom. Normally, he would never bring a drink into the bathroom because that’s quite gross but smoking makes his mouth dry.

The moment Zayn shuts the door behind him, Louis climbs into the tub with his back against one side and his feet hanging over the edge.

Zayn gets in at the back, sliding his legs under Louis’ bent ones and leaning against the back of the tub like he was actually going to take a bath.

“Lighter?” Louis pats his pants pocket.

“Here.” Zayn pulls one from the pocket in the flannel shirt he’s wearing over a white tee.

“Thanks.” Louis smiles, leaning towards Zayn with the purple dragon bowl they got at some shop when they went to Leeds a couple of months ago. It’s the coolest thing Louis owns. The tail is a little curvy with black spikes - that’s where you put your mouth. It leads up to a short pudgy and grooved, like scales, body until you reach the head which is where the weed sits. The eyes on the side are clear and the mouth is ajar with a small hole that you cover with your finger.

Occasionally, if it’s dark enough and you inhale deeply enough, the eyes look like they’re glowing red from the embers.

Louis tries not to smile on the inhale because he can see Zayn watching where his lips curl around the dragon’s tail. It’s something that Louis has noticed Zayn doing lately. He supposes Zayn might have _always_ done it, but Louis has just started taking note of it.

“Your turn, babe.” Louis brings the dragon back to his lips and inhales, holding the smoke in his mouth.

This is something he and Zayn have been doing since they were 18 and everytime, Louis gets shocked by tiny lightning bolts all along his spine, short circuiting his brain from the gentle touch Zayn always leaves at the base of his neck.

Zayn glides his fingers over Louis’ shoulder until they sit comfortably behind his head, tangling in the soft hairs there. Smiling, Zayn leans in and purses his lips, inhaling Louis’ exhale. He pulls away and blows the smoke over Louis’ face before kissing the corner of his mouth.

The more hits Louis takes the more relaxed he gets, because, well, that’s usually how it works with weed.

He’s slouched against the back of the tub by the time they finish the whole bowl. His body loose like cooked spaghetti and his mind hazy like a humid, fog filled, summer’s night.

Without realising it he’s fallen towards Zayn and into the spot under his arm. Shrugging, Louis twists until he’s lying half beside and half on top of Zayn in their small bathtub. He has no idea how they’ve managed to fit.

Zayn starts to play with Louis’ hair, running his fingers from his forehead to the crown at the back. He twirls strands around his fingers and then lets go, and ruffles it back to normal.

Sighing lightly, Louis brings his own hand up and grabs hold of Zayn’s free hand, playing with his fingers and the lone ring he wears that his grandfather gave him before he passed away. Zayn tenses up for just a moment when Louis slides their hands together and locks them there.

Louis loves this. He loves having this closeness with someone without the expectation of sex. He loves being intimate in the softest and almost innocent of ways. Touching your partner’s hand. Playing with their hair. There’s a closeness in kissing, too. That soft press of lips, tentative at first until you’ve both fallen into a rhythm that makes warmth dance across your body.

Shifting slowly so he doesn’t crush Zayn, Louis scrambles until he’s sitting in Zayn’s lap. He doesn’t say anything, just looks into Zayn’s autumnal colored eyes.

Zayn’s hair is fluffy today, one of Louis’ favorite styles Zayn does. He brings both hands up and slides them through until he comes back around to the base of Zayn’s neck. Louis cups Zayn’s jaw, running his thumbs over his smooth cheeks. He stops at the corner of Zayn’s lip, staring at it.

 _I could stay in this moment forever_. Louis hears his own voice whisper in his head.

This whole time, Zayn has been staring at Louis. He doesn’t seem freaked out by Louis’ touching, he seems almost, anxious?

“Sorry,” Louis mumbles, trying to get to his feet without stepping on any of Zayn’s limbs.

“No, no. It’s alright.” Zayn grabs Louis’ hand and laces their fingers together. He places the other hand on Louis’ waist and rubs his thumb over the bone there, gentle. Soft. Louis’ whole body is on alert with how much he loves this. How much each touch scorches his skin.

For a moment Louis pauses, silently panicking that Zayn wants to take this somewhere that Louis never wants to go. With anyone. One look into Zayn’s eyes tell him, though, that there’s no intent there.

“Okay.” Louis nods his head, to himself mostly. “Okay. I’ll stay.”

Zayn holds Louis. It’s that simple action. That simple implication that Zayn wants Louis to stay and just cuddle. Just have physical contact that makes them both feel safe and comfortable. That unleashes waves that Louis never thought he’d have to try and swim from.

They don’t stop.  With each crash on the shores of Louis’ mind comes every thought. Every detail of what he and Zayn could have together. What Louis realises he _wants_ with Zayn. He knows he’d never have it.

He could see it so clearly.

He can picture them waking up together every morning, tangled with the sheets and the other’s limbs. The sun would peek through the curtains that Louis didn’t close all the way the night before and travel up until it made Zayn’s eyes sparkle.

He can picture them lazily kissing in his car. No intent behind it to go any further, just kissing because it makes them that much closer.

The touching is what drowns Louis.

The small touches that they already have would be amplified, become so much more if emotions would be added to the equation. Even now, in this bathtub, Zayn lazily rubs his fingers over Louis’ neck and shoulder blades.

It would never happen for two reasons.

  1.      Zayn is Louis’ best friend. He would never be able to jeopardize their friendship in that way just for the sake of himself and how happy Zayn would make him if they’re friendship turned into something of romance.
  2.      Relationships mean sex and sex means - God, Louis doesn’t even want to think about it. He’s accepted the fact that he’ll probably never have that - a relationship - with someone. He’ll never have that pure love that people experience.



Maybe that’s why he’s feeling this way. He’s absorbing what he can get from Zayn because he knows he’ll probably never get it from anyone else.

A wet feeling rises in Louis’ chest, like Poseidon himself has decided to start a river there. He pinches his eyes shut and holds his breath so he doesn’t cry. There’s no reason to. He knew this before and now he just knows it more.

Zayn kisses the top of Louis’ head and the dam breaks. Louis falls against Zayn’s chest and sobs as quietly as he can. Zayn rubs his back and runs his hands through his hair.

“It’s alright, Lou,” he says softly.

Louis shakes his head. He doesn’t respond but he doesn’t know if it’ll ever be alright again after this.

♤♢

Paintball is a much needed distraction on Saturday.

Louis meets Zayn and three of their friends at the course right after he gets out of work. The meeting went pretty well in Louis’ opinion, but his mind was elsewhere for a majority of the meeting itself.

He hasn’t really interacted with Zayn since the bathtub incident last night. Once the high wore off Louis scrambled from Zayn’s lap and said a shy goodnight before rushing to his room and not coming out until earlier that morning. Thank goodness Zayn isn’t fond of any hour before 11 a.m.

“Have you talked to Liam?” Louis asks Zayn after he’s greeted their other friends.

Zayn twitches, like he wasn’t expecting Louis to remember Liam’s name. “I haven’t. I figured I’d wait for you to do it.” His voice is cold, distant.

“Uh oh.” Danny looks between Louis and Zayn and then the rest of their small group. “Trouble in paradise?” 

Louis shakes his head back and forth, rolling his eyes. “Please,” he chides and starts walking towards the desk to set up their time slot.

“Hi!” Liam smiles when he sees Louis approaching. “You came back.”

“Of course I did.” Louis taps his fingers on the desk that sits between them. “We have a group of five, is that still valid with this?” He digs his hand into his pocket and thumbs through his phone until the coupon code is pulled up on his screen.

“That’s perfect!” Liam clicks through the computer and types in the code from the email that Louis is sure he’s memorized. “The next time slot is in 30 minutes?” he informs Louis, a slight questioning tone in his voice to make sure that it’s okay.

“That’s great. Do we get to meet this league you mentioned before we start?”

A blush creeps up Liam’s cheeks as he bites his lip nervously. “Actually, the rest of the group should be here soon.”

Tilting his head, Louis furrows his brows at Liam before it clicks. “Are you on the league?” A sly smile works it’s on Louis’ face when the words leave his mouth.

Liam nods, almost embarrassed as he starts fidgeting with his fringe and looking everywhere but at Louis. It’s quite cute, actually.

“That’s great, mate!” Louis laughs, hand on his belly. “Now I can kick your arse in paintball.” He winks.

Liam shakes his head, chuckling. “No one’s ever beaten us before. The girls take it pretty seriously.”

“The girls?” Louis asks.

“Yeah. I’m actually only a backup while one of them is on vacation in Europe.”

This kid’s cheeks could not get any pinker, Louis thinks to himself.

A hand slides across Louis’ lower back and when he turns he sees Zayn there, smiling at Liam like he has some sort of point to make.

“Everything okay?” Zayn asks looking between Louis and Liam.

“Yeah.” Louis makes a confused face at Zayn. “Liam, here, was just telling me about how he’s in the league we’ll be playing with.”

“Ahh.” Zayn nods along with the word. “That’s cool.”

Just then a gaggle of girls comes up to the desk and all smile at Liam as they laugh about something one of them says.

“Oh! You’re here! Good!” Liam smiles, getting up and hugging each of them.

“This is the infamous league. Perrie, Jade, Leigh-Anne and Jesy.” He points to each one of them when he introduces them. Louis instantly glues his eyes to Perrie because of what she has on. It’s clearly original.

“That’s sick!” Louis points to her denim jacket. Along the collar are pieces from a comic book that look ironed on and the pockets are thinly outlined with corresponding colors that accent the collar.

Louis notices from the corner of his eye how Zayn glares at Perrie when Louis compliments her.

“Thanks.” She smiles. “I made it myself.”

“Any chance you could make another?” Louis asks, the jacket it so cute. It’s denim and has comic book strps on it. What could be better? It’d match perfectly with the comic book Vans he has.

Perrie laughs, blushing. “I think I could work something out.” She sticks her hand in her pocket and pulls out her phone. “Here put your number in and we’ll figure it out. I do other pieces similar to this too. You should come by the boutique sometime.”

“You have a boutique?” Louis asks, thumbing in his contact information.

The one Liam introduced as Jade laughs. “By boutique she means our living room. It’s covered in clothes.”

Louis hands Perrie back her phone and smiles. “Yeah, for sure. I’ll have to some check it out sometime.” He turns to tell Zayn how cool that would be, to get original clothing made for them but Zayn’s face is blank; Louis raises a confused eyebrow.

“Shall we all go and get ready?” Liam addresses them all. “By the time we’re done the other teams should be finished.”

“Sounds good.” Louis nods. He’s all too aware of the the hand that Zayn still has on his lower back. It’s not unwelcome it just confuses the fuck out of Louis. Especially after the fit he had last night.

 

Zayn doesn’t leave Louis’ side the entire time they’re in the presence of Liam _or_ Perrie and, honestly, it sort of weirds Louis out because he doesn’t understand _why_ Zayn is all of a sudden this… possessive is the only word that comes to mind.

Louis doesn’t bring it up and tries to ignore it himself.

He ignores when Zayn sends literal daggers to Liam when him and Louis exchange numbers after they’ve come off the course and have cooled down with bottled water.

He ignores the way Zayn hangs off of him when Perrie starts complimenting his shape and facial structure and saying how perfect he’d be for her student project she’s going to have to at the end of her fashion degree.

He ignores it all because he doesn’t know what to make of it, and he most definitely doesn’t want to assume anything because that wouldn’t be good for anyone involved.

There are some moments that he lets himself indulge in the touches that Zayn gives him, like when Zayn rests his warm hand on the exposed skin at Louis’ waist and starts tapping his fingers there to some rhythm inside Zayn’s head.

“We should hangout sometime,” Liam says when Louis is about to leave, Zayn attached to his side. Liam catches at the implication when Louis raises his eyebrows. “Like all of us! I had fun today.” 

“I’ll text you, mate.” Louis laughs, smiling. He loves being able to make people flustered.

While he and Zayn are walking to the car, Zayn mumbles, “So, Liam really liked you, huh?”

Shrugging, Louis replies, “He’s seems like a fun person to hangout with.” Which is true. Louis loves making new friends and then hanging out with them, learning what he can about them, the littlest things that they do.

Zayn doesn’t reply but Louis can tell he’s in a sour mood the whole drive home.

♤♢

Niall is always the one to bring _it_ up, no matter the circumstance. It’s, 90% of the time, always Niall.

Louis knows the moment he’s going to say something about it too. He has probably developed a sixth sense to it.

They’re all - Louis, Zayn, Harry, and Niall - at Harry’s flat having a boy’s night, it’s something they’ve done since they were teenagers. They would all go to someone’s house and just chill. Watch movies. Make so much food that one of their mum’s would scold their respective son for all of the dishes in the sink.

So far, the night had been going well. They were laughing, watching movies and playing FIFA. Eating whatever food Harry put in front of their faces. It’d been going so well until Niall opened his mouth.

“This is so boring.” Niall groans, gaining everyone’s attention.

Harry put in a new movie after they’d finished their last round of FIFA and had told them that he heard there was quite a bit of romance in it.

Louis can sense what he’s going to say before he even says it. He just _knows_.

“How can they have been together this long and not have fucked yet?” Niall sounds so incredulous that Louis’ stomach churns unpleasantly.

He’s learned to hide his discomfort when things like this happen, but this time he almost breaks. He squirms in his seat next Zayn and tries to ignore Niall when he continues his little rant about how there has been so much romance and so little fuckery. And, yes, he uses that exact word.

Glancing around, Louis thinks he’s the only one that seems so uncomfortable. Zayn seems to not be paying Niall any attention and Harry is staring at Niall like he’s getting ready to say something.

Louis has accepted that he doesn’t like sex and is comfortable with that conclusion. It’s just. When people talk about it he feels like there are a hundred eyes on him with the biggest pair of hands wrapped around his neck. He hates the expectation that he should feel the same way, that he should be so sex-obsessed like most of society is.

“Niall.” Harry has his scolding voice on. You know the one that your parent or friend would use when they’re about to tell you off for being ignorant or wrong. “Not everyone in relationships need to have a sexual relationship as well.”

Louis’ heart starts pounding in his chest. His stomach falls to the floor. As nonchalantly as he can he turns his attention back towards Harry and Niall’s conversation.

“What!” Niall laughs like Harry is pulling some sort of joke on him. “Of course they do, mate. That’d be crazy. What’d be the point?”

Harry shakes his head at Niall, clearly disappointed but understanding his ignorance.

“There are people who don’t experience sexual attraction,” Harry states, plain and simple.

Louis isn’t sure what he looks like but he thinks it’d be something akin to a deer in someone’s headlights. There is an _actual_ group of people who don’t like sex? Or, well, who don’t experience that attraction? There are other people like Louis?

He tries not to make his increased pulse obvious with his fidgeting but Zayn notices from beside him.

“Hey, you okay?” he whispers, lightly wrapping his thin fingers around Louis’ wrist that lays between them on the couch.

Swallowing, Louis composes himself before answering. “Yeah. I’m okay.” He smiles to make it convincing but he’s almost sure that Zayn doesn’t believe him.

For the rest of the movie Louis barely pays attention. He’s too focused on the words that Harry said. They keep echoing in the back of his mind: _There are people who don’t experience sexual attraction._ That’s Louis. That’s what he’s got to be. He wants to know more. He wants to meet people who are like him, who know what it feels like and how confused and scared it makes him.

When the movie ends and everyone gets up to stretch and start saying goodbye because of the late hour, Louis makes his move. He follows Harry into the kitchen the minute he picks up the empty plates from his coffee table.

“Hey, um.” Louis starts, nerves running through his body. He reaches over and wraps his right hand over his left elbow, almost like a protective barrier.

“Hey.” Harry smiles kindly, leaning against the kitchen counter.

“Could I, uh,” Louis stutters before continuing, “Spend the night? I wanted to talk to you about something.” 

A worried line appears on Harry’s forehead but he doesn’t push for any information at the moment. “Of course, Lou.”

“It’ll be like old times, Kitten.” Louis jokes, using the old nickname he used to call Harry all the time when they were younger. He still calls him that sometimes. Has it as Harry’s contact name and everything.

Laughing, Harry blushes.

“I’m just gonna go tell Zayn.” He nods, almost not wanting to explain himself to Zayn with the mood he’s seemed to be in lately.

“Hey.” Louis walks over to Zayn who’s in front of the door. Zayn smiles at him, eyes sleepy and hair rumpled and flopping over his forehead.

“Ready to go?” he asks.

“Actually, I’m gonna stay the night.” Louis chuckles nervously. He grabs at the skin on his wrist, pinching himself. He’s never felt this worried about Zayn’s reaction before. He’s never _had_ to worry about it. He’s never had to put more meaning behind Zayn’s actions for more than what they were.

“Oh.” Zayn scrunches his eyebrows together. “Okay, then,” he says, barely any emotion on his face as he takes the keys from Louis’ outstretched hand.

“Night.” Louis sticks out his fist awkwardly and waits for Zayn to bump it back. When he does it’s with little enthusiasm.

“Night,” Zayn mumbles, letting the door slam on his way out; Louis winces.

Louis turns around and makes his way back to the couch and flops back onto the cushions. He feels so tired, drained almost with the week he’s been having.

“Here you go, mate.” Harry comes back from presumably his bedroom since he’s holding a pair of black joggers in his hand.

“Thanks.” Louis smiles, stripping off his jeans and slipping on the joggers.

Harry chuckles. “You’ve been here 5 minutes of spending the night and you’re already making a mess.” He shakes his head as he grabs Louis’ trousers from the floor and folds them into a square to place them on the back of the couch.

Sighing, Louis pulls his knees up to his chest and wraps his arms around them.

“Hey,” Harry says softly, scooting closer and wrapping a comforting arm around Louis’ shoulders, “Whatever it is, it’s alright, okay?”

He’s so nervous. He’s never talked about this with anyone because he always thought that it was weird and he didn’t want to have to put up with the teasing that would most likely ensue.

There’s a comforting feeling that settles over him as the silent minutes pass. Harry is patient while he rubs Louis’ shoulder. If there is one plus about this whole situation is that he’s talking to Harry. Harry who is simultaneously one of his best and oldest friends and who deals with similar situations all of the time.

Harry and a few of his friends he knows from the city organized a group that creates a safe environment for LGBT+ teens and young adults. It’s not something new, but something that Louis is so proud of him for doing. He’s told Louis stories about some of the people who’ve come in and have felt such relief that they could finally relax and start to be more of themselves.

Louis takes a stuttering breath, working up the nerve to finally ask Harry about what he meant earlier.

“What did you - ” he pauses, taking a deep breath before his nerves overtake him again. “What did you mean when you said, ‘There are people who don’t experience sexual attraction.”

Immediately Harry’s face goes soft, not that he wasn’t before, but Louis can see the slight difference. He can see the understanding on Harry’s features as the question Louis has asked sinks in.

Nodding, Harry squeezes Louis’ shoulder and starts talking.

“There are more sexualities than just straight, gay and bisexual - even though people seem to forget about that last one more often than not.” Harry tangents but catches himself before he can continue. “For example, there’s pansexuality and asexuality.”

Louis tilts his head, prompting Harry to continue.

A small smile works its way over Harry’s face. Louis swears it’s almost like he’s glowing, it’s how he always gets when he talks about anything related to this topic. He’s so passionate about bringing awareness about it all and helping people as much as he can so their safe while they figure themselves out, or if they’ve already figured themselves out and don’t have the support they need at home.

“Pansexuals experience sexual attraction towards all genders. With asexuality it’s a little different. There’s a spectrum,” Harry says slowly, as if he’s making sure to chose his words carefully.

“A spectrum?” Louis asks confused. He thought spectrums were pretty much just a science thing.

“Yeah,” Harry nods. He removes his arm from Louis’ shoulders and holds his hands apart as if he were about to make a penis joke. He makes a flicking-the-wrist motion with his left hand, “There’s the presence of sexual attraction,” he then makes the same flicking motion with his right hand, “and there’s the absence of sexual attraction.” He pauses, moving his right hand towards his left and then back to its stationary spot. “And then there’s the gray area.”

Louis takes in what Harry’s told him. He mulls over the spectrum and thinks about his past experiences and how uncomfortable sex makes him.

“So,” he starts tentatively, “If a person experiences zero sexual attraction, they’re asexual?” he asks and points towards Harry’s right hand. 

Harry smiles, almost like a proud grandma. “If that’s what they feel comfortable identifying as then they sure are.”

Louis nods. He’s starting to understand this more and more as everything sinks in. He squints his eyes in confusion, tilting his head again. He internally laughs at himself, he must look like a confused puppy.

“Wait.” He shifts his body so he’s now sitting criss-cross to face Harry. “But what if that person wants to be in a relationship?” Most of Louis’ nerves have left his body. He’s so grateful that Harry handles this so much that he makes the whole thing so comfortable. Even if he didn’t and Louis came to him with this, Louis is sure he’d handle it just the same, with maybe a little less information.

Louis feels so comfortable with Harry, so trusting that all of the nerves he felt when they started this conversation have melted away. It’s not that he couldn’t have had this conversation with Zayn because he could have, he could have confided in Zayn about this long ago but he never felt the need to. Zayn just got him. They never talked about sex together, or people they’ve had sexual, if any, experiences with.

Now that he thinks about it Zayn has never brought up sex, whether that be because he figured out how uncomfortable it made Louis or because he didn’t want to share or whatever other reason, Louis doesn’t know. That’s a whole different evaluation, though.

“A lot of people don’t realise it, but you can have different preferences between your sexual and romantic attractions.” He must take Louis’ silence as confusion because he shifts in his seat a little getting ready to explain.

“Hold on.” Louis puts his hand up so he can think about this. Harry stays silent, watching Louis carefully. “So, are you telling me… that asexual people can have relationships?”

For some reason Louis’ heart starts to race in his chest, like it knows that there’s hope for him. That he could actually find someone and love them and they’d love him back… if they could accept his lack of wanting to have sex.

“Of course,” Harry says almost obviously. “Although society would have you believe that sex is everything in a relationship, it isn’t. There’s so much more to people than just their sex organs.”

“Okay,” Louis drawls, bouncing a little in his seat. “Can we go back to the romantic attraction?”

Harry nods. “That is basically who you’re attracted to romantically, so who you would like to have a relationship with,” he explains.

A silence falls over them as their conversation dies down. Louis goes over everything Harry’s told him. Repeating certain things so many times in his head that the words now almost seem foreign or that they don’t exist.

There’s a lure to this, to talking about this. Louis wants to understand it as much as he can. Just thinking about it, thinking that he’s finally found that identity he felt he was missing washes him with relief.

“What’s the gray-area you mentioned?” he asks after a few minutes.

“There are some people who have very little sexual attraction that it could be ignored. Or just a low absence. That’s why asexuality is a spectrum because each person experiences it differently.”

“Okay. Okay, I think I understand.” Louis nods.

Harry smiles and sits with him for a little while until his eyes start to droop with sleep.

A low buzz hums under Louis’ skin, like his own body is trying to inform him that he’s found himself. He’s finally figured out what he is. _Asexual_ , he says the word in his head. He never knew a word could comfort him but it does. There’s a lightness in his chest and a happiness swirling through his veins.

“Kitten,” Louis says amused, a giggle locked in his throat.

“Hmm?” Harry mumbles, head lolling towards Louis’ voice.

“Go to bed. You’re drooling all over the couch.” Louis playfully shoves at his shoulder.

“I’m going, I’m going.” He gets up from the couch and hands Louis the blanket and pillow he must have gotten before he brought out the joggers.

“Hey.” Louis stands and grabs Harry’s arm. “Thank you,” he whispers, wrapping his arms around Harry’s middle for a hug. Harry wraps Louis up and squeezes, rubbing his back.

“Anytime, Lou,” he whispers back. When they pull away he adds, tentatively. “I have the group tomorrow, actually. You could come if you’d like, talk to some people if you’re still curious.”

Louis considers it. It could be good to talk to someone who is asexual too. It’s not that he doesn’t trust Harry, of course he does, it’s just no matter how much you may think you understand something and are knowledgeable of it, there’s always going to be that barrier of not having that experience yourself.

“Yeah, yeah. I think I will.”

When he lays down, snuggled under the blanket he knows Harry’s nan made for him, he feels at peace. He hadn’t realised there was such an internal struggle going on in his mind over this. He knew and had accepted the fact that he wasn’t into sex but there was still that blank spot of not knowing what that meant or if he was the only one.

Now, if he decides to, he can tell people and know that it’s not something weird or some symptom of a sickness. He can confidently say, _I’m asexual_ , and smile.

Maybe Niall would finally stop bringing it up so much if he knew how uncomfortable it sometimes made Louis.

He also feels hopeful, almost. There was this dread in him about ending up alone, ending up being unloved and being the only one out of his friends who ends up not finding that person they want to spend their life with.

He has hope for that now. He imagines it’s probably a little difficult at first because a lot of people probably don’t understand it and would just plainly not want that in a partner. Louis gets that, it makes him a little upset but he can understand and respect that.

There’s a faint thought in the back of his mind as he drifts off, _Would Zayn be okay with that?_

 

In his dream he’s climbing a stone staircase up a mountain.

There are different levels and amount of stairs in between the resting spots. He’s resting on a level that seems so high from the ground it’d probably take him years to get down there. He has no incentive to go though.

When he turns and looks up at the rest of the staircase a lot of it is covered in fog so he can’t see how many stairs there are until the top. What he can see is the next clearing. He’s not sure of the exact number of stairs between where he is now and where he clearly wants to be.

His gut tugs, willing him to climb the next stone step. He puts his foot there, over the weeds that are pushing their way through the crack. He pushes off, his other foot following behind him.

He starts climbing.

♤♢

Louis’ a bit nervous. He’s never gone to anything like Harry’s group before and it sort of scares him. His hands are sweaty and his stomach feels like he decided to swallow a rock.

He’s not nervous about meeting people or maybe asking some questions to someone who’s like him. There is something solidifying about this, he thinks. Like, even though he long ago accepted how he felt he now has a label for it, he can now say he’s apart of a community with other people who know how he feels.

Maybe he’s nervous that he’ll feel so comfortable in this new realisation that he’ll want to tell people. But what happens if the people he tells don’t believe him? Or they don’t think it’s a real thing, or think he’s a weirdo? Then what? What if those people end up leaving him?

A shiver passes over Louis when they finally stop in front of a brick building.

“So this is the place.” Harry motions to the building.

It’s a red brick townhouse with a sleek black door and shutters to match. There are, Louis counts in his head, nine windows total from the face of the building.

“The place is this big?” he asks, incredulous.

Harry chuckles, pulling out his key ring to open the door. “No! There’s multiple spaces. One of the girls who helps me with this group, her mom owns the building so we get a discounted rent price.” He shrugs. “It works out.”

Louis nods and follows Harry into the building when he finally gets the door open.

They barely walk 5 feet before Harry is opening up another door. “We got lucky enough to get the first floor.” He laughs again, motioning for Louis to go in ahead of him.

When Louis walks in he’s… pleasantly shocked. He’s not really sure what he expected the space where they have these groups to be like, but it sure wasn’t anything like what he’s seeing now.

When you first walk in you’re in a short hallway that’s littered with jacket hooks and shoes scattered over the floor. Before they even walk any further Harry bends down and fixes all the shoes lining them against the wall and sticking a few pairs on the shoe rack. He picks up a jacket that must have fell on the floor and then turns to Louis. “Well come on.”

The living room they walk into is huge. There’s a black leather couch and multiple beanbag chairs of different colors in front of a nicely sized flatscreen TV. Louis can see a few gaming systems there as well with controllers and games.

Looking past the living room is the dining room that very clearly has a table that’s half covered in food and half with papers and arts&crafts materials.

Not to mention the people. There are at least 10 people that Louis can see and he’d probably guess there are a few others in back rooms. Most of them are young, maybe 13 and older. He can tell who is part of the leading of the group because they’re wearing the same light blue shirt that Harry has on.

“Come on,” Harry says, motioning with his hand, “I’ll introduce you.”

Louis follows Harry over to a petite girl with dark brown wavy hair. She has on a black skirt with a cool graphic tee tucked into it and a really nice pair of black pumps that Louis can admire her for standing in all day. She’s definitely older than both Harry and Louis, maybe around her late-twenties but you wouldn’t be able to tell with the sweet, innocent aura she seems to emit.

“Harry!” she shouts in an American accent, throwing her arms out into the air to bring Harry into a hug.

“Hey Lucy.” Harry smiles. “Sorry I’m a little late.”

She makes a hand motion like she’s throwing a paper ball into the recycling bin. “Don’t worry about, babe.” She turns and looks at Louis with a kind smile. “And who’s this?”

“Right!” Harry exclaims and turns towards Louis. “Lucy, this is my friend Louis. Louis this is Lucy, she helps a lot with the group. She’s sort of like the den mother.” Harry laughs.

Lucy smiles and then gets a mischievous smile on her face as she leans into Louis. “Please this one is more motherly than I am and I actually am a mom!”

A laugh rips out of Louis, causing him to bring his hand up to cover his mouth. “I honestly don’t doubt that. You should see him when me and the boys are all drunk and he’s the only sober one.”

“I knew you two would get on well.” Harry smiles. “I’m gonna go see Riley and Caleb. See ya!” He winks at Louis as he walks down a hallway and then pops back around to mouth _Talk to her!_

“Riley and Caleb are our ‘professional counselors’ with fancy degrees. We all talk to the people that come here but they can actually determine if the person could be in an environment that might make them do harm to themselves or if the people they’re around are harmful,” she explains, moving her hands around as she talks.

Louis nods, not really knowing how to bring up this conversation with a total stranger. Harry wouldn’t have left him with her if she wouldn’t be of help, though, Louis thinks.

“Wanna sit?” Lucy motions towards the living room.

There are a few people sitting in the beanbag chairs, some are playing one of the gaming consoles and one is reading a book.

“Could we sit in there instead?” Louis asks,  pointing towards the empty dining room.

“Of course.” She nods, leading him to table and the sitting so she’s at the end and he’s at the seat to her left.

He stays silent, trying to figure out how to talk about this. He really just wants to know how it works. How do asexual people have relationships? How do they explain it to someone they care about? How do you deal with the rejection Louis could imagine you get from people who wouldn’t be able to handle that?

“So,” he starts slowly, “You usually talk to the kids that come in here?”

She tilts her head, and moves a strand of her hair away from her eyes. “Yeah, me and Harry are sort of the welcoming party when someone new comes in. It’s not, like, mandatory that they have to talk to us about what they’re going through,” she tells him, “We just like to let them know that if they do need to, we’re here for that and try to help from our own experiences.”

Louis nods and then says without thinking, “Your own experiences?” When he catches how rude he’s just been, he back tracks, blushing and stuttering. “Oh my. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean.” He stops, dropping his head into his hands in embarrassment.

“Hey,” Lucy says softly, placing a delicate hand on his arm, coaxing him to look at her, “It’s alright. This is what I’m here for. I don’t mind talking about it.”

Louis stares blankly at her. Her eyes are a deep brown, like the colors you’d see in the forest while walking through the trees. She seems so wise, so calm like the tallest Oak tree you’d find and want to sit under their protective branches.

“How did you know?” Louis squeaks shyly.

Smiling, almost amused she says, “Don’t we all just know we’re a little different from the ‘norm.’” She air quotes the word, rolling her eyes at how ridiculous it is.

Chuckling wetly, Louis nods. “I guess so.”

“Well,” she starts again, “I’m asexual.” She pauses while Louis blinks at her. No wonder Harry wanted Louis to talk to her. He stares at her shocked. He knew from Harry’s explanation that there were other people like himself, but meeting someone like him is totally different than hearing about it. It’s comforting. Reassuring him that he’s not alone. 

“You are?” he asks quietly. He almost says, _me too_ , but something holds him back.

“Yup. I never really felt sexually attracted to all the people my friends did when we were younger.” She shrugs. “At first I thought I was broken, or sick, or just plain weird. And with the help of the Internet, I found out that there are people who don’t experience that. They’re just wired this way.”

“You said you have a kid?” Louis mentions, forgetting that there are so many other ways to conceive  a child.

“Yeah.” She smiles happily, like she’s remembering something. “My wife, Penny, and I decided to take the insemination route.”

 _Wife_. The word echoes in Louis’ mind. Lucy is _married._ A bubble of happiness and hope inflates in Louis’ chest. _You could have that too_ , he thinks.

“Is your wife asexual too?” Louis wonders aloud.

“No, she isn’t. That does seem to surprise some people.” She chuckles. “Some asexuals do flock more towards each other just like with any other sexuality because you know you’re going to be with someone who understands. There are allos - people who experience sexual attraction - who learn to understand and accept their asexual partner,” Lucy explains calmly, like she’s done this so many times before, and, well, Louis guesses she has.

“Was it hard finding someone like that?” he asks nervously, his own fears now bubbling to the surface. Even if Lucy _is_ married, that doesn’t mean that Louis will have that same amount of luck in his own life.

Lucy must be able to hear the scared tone in his voice because her face becomes unbelievably soft. She places a hand over where Louis’ are resting on the table. “Before I met Penny I had some pretty horrible relationships with people who didn’t understand.” She starts motioning with her other hand. “Some called me prude, or thought it was just a way of me rejecting them.”

Louis shivers, this is one of the things that worries him the most, that he’ll just keep having bad relationships and will eventually give up and in turn end up alone.

“My last relationship I had before Penny was with a guy who I’d been seeing for a few months, and I told him I was asexual early on. Because that’s another thing people have told me, ‘oh, you’re just leading me on’ which, no, I am not leading you on. Anyways, he knew what I was okay with but one time he tried going too far and after that I just couldn’t be with him anymore.” She shrugs, “Luckily almost a year later I met Penny and now I’m the happiest I’ve ever been.”

Louis mulls over her story. Repeating her words and picking them apart so he can understand, can learn from what she’s telling him. “What did you mean when you said, ‘he knew what I was okay with’?”

“Whether you’re dating an asexual or you are asexual - hell, really in any relationship - it’s important that you and your partner talk about your boundaries. You know, like what you’re okay with, what you’re not okay with. Things like that.”

“Wait,” he says confused. He can feel his face scrunching up, his eyes squinting. “Do asexuals have sex?”

“Ahh, the Golden Question.” Lucy laughs, amused. “Some asexuals are willing to have sex to please their partners. Some also masturbate. Some don’t want anything to do with sex at all. And then some are really, just, indifferent about it.” She pauses again like she’s mentally checking over everything she’s said. “It honestly all depends on the person and what they’re comfortable with. And it doesn’t even just have to be with sex,” she continues, “Maybe sometimes you’re comfortable with kissing and some touching but maybe other times you just want to kiss.”

Louis nods and before he can say anything else a little girl with poofy, curly hair comes running towards Lucy. “Mummy!” she shouts, wrapping her arms around Lucy’s waist.

“Look at you,” Lucy says, her voice warm, “You’re covered in glitter!”

“Yeah!” the little girl shouts enthusiastically, she can’t be any older than 4. She’s got the cutest face with appled cheeks that are flushed from her running to her mother. Her green eyes are big and round like a brand new marble.

“Nina, why don’t you say hi to my friend Louis here.” Lucy motions towards Louis.

When Nina sees Louis sitting there she hops away from her mom and runs around the back of her chair to stand in front of Louis. She startles him by wrapping her little arms around his side and giving him the biggest hug a 4-year-old can give. “Hi!” she shouts, voice high.

“Hi.” He smiles at her, sweetly.

“Mummy, look what George helped me make for you!” Nina opens her hand and takes out the string that’s there. It’s one of those friendship bracelets that Louis has seen his sisters make. This one is purple, white, and black.

“Aww, sweetie.” Lucy smiles taking the bracelet and kissing her daughter on the forehead. “Thank you so much.” She glances towards Louis and then back at the bracelet. “Why don’t you go ask George to help you make another one, okay, sweetie?”

“Okay!” Nina claps her hands before running back through the living room and into the hallway that Harry went down earlier.

“Sorry, about that,” Lucy tells Louis, setting down the bracelet on the table.

“No worries,” he says, waving his hand in the same gesture. “She’s quite adorable.”

“She may look that way now, but she can be a handful.” Lucy laughs but Louis can hear the joy in her voice.

“Can I ask what that means, if anything?” he points towards the bracelet.

“It’s the colors of our flag.” Lucy picks it up and runs her fingers over it to straighten it out. “Like, you know how there’s the rainbow flag for gays and lesbians? Well the other sexualities and gender orientations have their own flags as well. These are the colors for the ace community.”

Louis assumes when she says ace she means the asexul community. He’s catching on to the lingo that she’s been using.

“Ohhh.” Louis nods along with the word.

Lucy looks at the bracelet and then back at Louis hesitantly. “I don’t want to assume anything, and I’m aware this is extremely rude of me to do, but.” She holds out the bracelet to Louis, “Would you like to keep it?”

His heart speeds up. He doesn't feel insulted or scared of what she’s assuming he feels… he feels _accepted_. He nods, taking the colorful string from her and laying it over his wrist so that she can tie it there.

Louis doesn’t realise he’s crying until Lucy stands up with a cooing ‘oohhh’ sound and brings him so she’s hugging him in a comforting embrace.

Something must happen to your hugs when you become a mum because Louis immediately feels safe in Lucy’s arms. He doesn’t feel like a fool for crying in front of someone he barely knows. He just feels happy, inexplicably joyful.

“Thank you,” he whispers to her, squeezes her small frame.

“Any time, okay?” She pulls back and looks at him, wiping away the tears that have run down his cheeks.

He nods. His chest feels so light, like there’s helium filling him up until his feet will eventually come off of the ground. There’s this immense feeling of joy that’s running through him, like he’s finally, _finally_ , found a place where he belongs, where he can feel safe and welcomed.

“Wanna help me make lunch?” Lucy asks him.

“I’d love to,” he smiles and follows her into the kitchen where they make sandwiches and pour juice into cups for the people at the house today.

 

Later that day, well past 7 p.m., when Louis and Harry are walking home, Harry bumps his shoulder into Louis’.

“So,” he draws out, “How did you like it?” Harry isn’t one to push for information but Louis knows he’s curious about the talk he had with Lucy.

“It was,” Louis pauses, “Really great. Yeah. Everyone was really nice. I can see how that place could help people.” He feels so content right now. So happy and just so sure of who he is that he doesn’t think anything could ruin his mood.

The sky is dusty grey and calm. The air is cool and the orange light from the sun setting casts pretty glows on the buildings they pass.

“Some of the kids really took a liking to you.” There’s a suggestive edge to Harry’s voice. “You should, you know, come back some time.”

Louis laughs, a warm feeling settles in his chest. He loved talking to some of the kids, helping some of them with coursework and even playing FIFA with a couple. It made him so happy. “I might.”

They come up on Louis and Zayn’s flat and stop just outside.

“I mean it, Lou, you can come whenever you like.” Harry’s nothing but sincere.

Louis fiddles with his new accessory on his wrist causing Harry to look down and then smile when he looks back up to meet Louis’ eyes.

Taking a deep breath, Louis looks at Harry and says, for the very first time, “I’m asexual.”

The biggest smile breaks over Harry’s face while he pulls Louis into a hug, wrapping his gangly arms around Louis’ shoulders and squeezing. He whispers, “I’m so proud you.”

Louis blushes squeezing back and then pulling away. “I just,” he begins to stutter. “I just wanted to say thank you. You really helped me understand this whole thing. You and Lucy,” he corrects himself.

“I’m happy you trusted me with this,” Harry responds, his dimple deepens when he smiles, flattered.

“Of course, Kitten.” Louis pats his cheek and then pinches it, making Harry squawk. “Now hurry back to Niall, I can hear your phone vibrating from here.”

Harry blushes, flustered while he tries to come up with a response but just deflates when he gives up. “He’s insatiable, I swear,” Harry curses, leaning back in to give Louis another hug  before ruffling his hair in retaliation for the cheek pinch. “Talk to you later, Lou! Bye!” he shouts as he jogs off.

Chuckling, Louis leans against the entrance of his building and looks up at the grey sky. You think it would make him sad but it just calms him, washes him with the serenity that comes with finally figuring something out that you’ve been question for so long.

He’s never felt more of himself than he does right now, smiling up at the smoky sky and tugging on his bracelet in the same rhythm of his heartbeat.

♤♢

Zayn is definitely avoiding Louis.

Louis has _no_ idea why but he, most definitely, is. He hasn’t talked to Louis since the night at Harry’s and he’s pretty much made sure that he’s no where to be found when Louis is in the house.

It’s weird. Not to mention how sad it makes Louis. Like, sure, he and Zayn have had their squabbles before where they didn’t talk or were mad at one another, but it was never like this. They never avoided each other, and it sure as hell did not last this long. _Fucking 3 days_.

So, Louis’ been sad and bored for 3 days because of Zayn. He didn’t even realise how much of his life Zayn was involved in until he decided to give him the cold shoulder.

As if to make matters worse, it’s Wednesday, their TV night where they watch whatever reality show is recorded and laugh at the misfortune of the guests on it. Watching it alone isn’t as fun, Louis can assure you that.

He’s this close to calling it a night - at 7 fucking 30 p.m. - when his phone buzzes next to him on the couch.

 **_hey mate! i know it’s the middle of the week, but me and pez (perrie!!) were wondering if you wanted to cme out for a few pints!!_ **

A warm feeling creeps into Louis’ chest, it’s similar to the feeling you would get when you see a small animal that’s so cute you can’t handle it. He smiles, feeling wanted by these people he’s only just met is exactly what he needs right now.

He loves getting to know people, becoming their friends. And he definitely sees friendship in both Perrie and Liam.

 _sounds great!! where and when?_ he answers back, getting up from his indent in the couch to throw on a pair of jeans and Vans as fast as possible. Being in this quiet flat since he’s been home from work has not done his thinking mind any good.

 ** _do you know where mickey’s is?? we’re here now._** Liam texts back just as Louis grabs his wallet and keys from his dresser.

_yup, be there in 10!!_

 

When Louis walks into Mickey's he immediately spots Liam and Perrie. Well, he should say he immediately _hears_ Liam and Perrie as well as another girl with tan skin and dark, long hair.

Louis walks over to the table with a small smile on his face. He's still in a weird mood because of him and Zayn but he's really hoping that hanging out with new people and having some laughs will get his mind off of everything. Even if it's just for a little while.

"Hey!" Liam quickly gets out of the booth and wraps warm arms around Louis for a quick hug.

Perrie laughs, sipping on her cranberry colored drink. "Liam gets a little clingy when he drinks."

Liam still has an arm around Louis' shoulders, making Louis take the opportunity to slip his hand onto Liam's waist. "I don't mind." He smiles and pinches Liam playfully. "I love cuddles."

“Oh!” Perrie claps her hands when Louis sits down across from her. “Louis, this is Sophia. Sophia, Louis.” Perrie gestures with her hand back and forth between Louis and the tan girl who’s sitting across from Liam.

“Hi.” Louis smiles. “You must be the missing paintball player.”

“Indeed I am.” Sophia laughs before she looks at Liam. “Liam’s not too bad at keeping us afloat when I’m gone though.”

Louis nods before turning to look at Liam again, who is blushing wonderfully under Sophia’s gaze.

“We got you a beer.” Liam slides over a bottle on the table. “Hopefully, that’s okay.”

“Thats great, mate.” Louis bumps Liam’s shoulder with his own.

He’s so glad he decided to come out, to spend time and get to know these people that he can see himself becoming friends with. He looks to his left - the side where Liam isn’t sitting - and has an empty feeling, like there’s something missing; It’s not like he doesn’t know what it is.

Shaking himself from the train of thought he throws himself fully into the conversation that they have. They talk about Sophia’s trip to Europe, and a new piece that Perrie is working on. Perrie also begs Louis to be her model one day. He blushes and says, “Maybe, maybe.”

Liam starts talking about this puppy he saw down at the shelter the other day and how much he wants to adopt it but he’s not sure if he’d be able to. His face looks so sad when he thinks that, so Louis throws an arm around Liam’s shoulders and squeezes him close like a hug. Comforting is something Louis’ always been good at.

“What about you, Louis?” Sophia asks. Her deep eyes are blinking curiously at Louis, like she’s trying to figure him out.

He shrugs. “I don’t have anything nearly as exciting as any of that.” He chuckles, a little self-conscious. “Working as a PA for an editor isn’t too exciting. And school has been out for a few weeks now so  mostly just hang out.”

“Oh yeah!” Perrie nearly shouts, a little more than tipsy at this point. “We should’ve told you to bring that other bloke you were with at the course. You know the one.” She points at Liam. “The tan one with the hair, you know.”

Louis immediately blushes. “Nah.” he brings his beer to his lips and takes a swig. “He’s, ah, not really talking to me at the moment.”

“Oh no.” Perrie pouts, she reaches out and pats Louis’ hand that’s resting on the table. “Why not?” She pauses and catches herself. “If you don’t mind me asking, of course. Sorry.”

“Perrie has no filter when she’s had too much vodka,” Liam informs him.

“It’s alright love. I really don’t know why, actually.” He sighs. “He’s been acting weird ever since we went paintballing and then suddenly this weekend he just started avoiding me.”

“What did you do this weekend?” Sophia asks.

“I spent the night at one of our friend’s flats because I needed to talk with him about something.” Louis unconsciously touches the string bracelet that rests on his wrist.

“Wait,” Liam speaks up, brows furrowed together and face crunched together like a disgruntled child. “I thought you and him were a couple?”

Louis laughs wetly, isn’t that the issue here? _Not_ being in a relationship with Zayn that’s making this so much more than what it probably is. If this happened any other time, Louis would have already busted into Zayn’s bedroom and demanded to know what was wrong.

“Contrary to popular belief, we aren’t a couple.” Louis takes another swig of his beer to realise that it’s empty. He places it on the table and lets his shoulders sag like a wet piece of bread.

“Oh. I just thought...” Liam trails off.

“You guys _were_ pretty close at the course,” Perrie points out.

“We’ve always been like that, though.” Louis laughs again. “For, like, as long as I can remember.”

Sophia taps her manicured fingers on the polished table and then snaps them like she’s figured it out. “Maybe he’s jealous.”

Louis lets out a loud cackle. He will not let that statement get his hopes up, because why would Zayn be jealous? Maybe because Louis was making new friends? But that wouldn’t be right because Zayn knows that he’s known Harry for practically his entire life.

“I don’t think so.” Louis shakes his head. “Why would he be jealous?”

“Well,” Sophia takes a sip from Perrie’s drink. “If you were anything like you are with Liam now at the course, I could see how he could take that for flirting.” She takes another sip, finishing off the drink and making Perrie glare at her. “And maybe he was jealous that you couldn’t talk with him about whatever you talked with your other friend about.”

Liam blushes and squeaks. “Flirting?”

Louis pats his arm. “It’s okay, babe.” He turns towards Sophia. “There isn’t a reason for him to be jealous of Liam, though. I’m like that with everyone I just met.” He pauses. “Plus he knows that I don’t date.”

Sophia shrugs. “It’s just a theory.”

Everyone’s silent while the sounds of the pub echo around them. There’s a group of guys watching a match on the television, shouting when ManU misses the goal and Spain’s goalie shoots it nearly halfway across the field.

Louis’ phone starts to buzz and ring in his pocket. He doesn’t feel like even looking to see who it is but he pulls the phone from his pocket anyways and sees Zayn’s contact photo staring up at him. His heart stutters in his chest as he continues to stare at the phone until the call ends itself.

Only a few moments pass before his phone buzzes with a text.

**_can we talk?_ **

Louis stutters out a breath, shoving his phone back into his pocket and looking up to see everyone looking at him. He tries to plaster a smile on his face. “I had a really nice time tonight.” He scoots and taps Liam’s shoulder to signal him to get out of the booth so Louis can get out. “We should do it again, honestly. You guys have my number.”

He starts to walk backwards, waving awkwardly while the group calls their goodbyes and that they’ll do this again sometime soon.

On the walk home, Louis feels like he’s walking on a tightrope, like one misstep and he’ll be falling hundreds of feet to the ground with nothing to save him. No net. No bungee cord. Not even a magical hand he could grab onto.

The walk seems like it lasts forever, too. It’s like he’s in a movie scene where the road just keeps stretching and his steps are getting slower and slower until he’s not even moving anymore.

When he finally gets in front of his building he sighs, running a hand through his hair and over his face. He’s so tired from everything. From worrying about why Zayn has been acting this way. From now thinking that possibly Zayn has been _jealous_. Like, what the heck?

Before he decides to do something stupid like run to Niall’s, or even Harry’s, to avoid this, he takes a deep breath and marches into their building.

♤♢

No one should ever be scared or nervous when walking into their home. Your home is a place where you should feel completely safe and comfortable no matter what. It’s a sanctuary away from the outside world where you can - hopefully - be as true to yourself as you can.

Now, though, as Louis closes his flat door behind him and rests his back against it, he feels so terrified.

He takes a shaky breath with his eyes closed, trying to calm down before walking into the living room where he’s assuming Zayn is probably waiting for him. Which, since, Zayn has known Louis for so long and knows when these situations happen if Louis isn’t directly confronted then it’ll probably just get dragged out longer.

Taking one final breath, Louis bounces on his feet a little. He can do this. It’s only Zayn after all. Zayn, his bestfriend. Zayn who would never judge him or make him feel strange about anything. Zayn’s a safe place. Zayn understands him.

But does he really? If Louis told him he was asexual would Zayn get it? Louis’ sure he would try, and wouldn’t make him feel uncomfortable or unsafe. But… Louis shakes his head. Hopefully, they won’t have that conversation for awhile.

He finally takes the steps into the living room where Zayn is sucking on a short cigarette, lifting his head and blowing the grey smoke up into the air on a diagonal. He looks like he should be in one of those indie music videos that Louis sees every once and a while.

Zayn leans over the couch and stubs out his cigarette in the ashtray before he turns and looks at Louis. His eyes seem glazed over like he’s been thinking too much. His hair is an estranged mess atop of his head. There are strands sticking up in every direction and flopping over his eyes. His tank top is faded from being worn and washed so much, so instead of being black it’s almost a grey color.

Louis takes slow steps and walks over to the chair that sits next to the couch to sit down. He watches Zayn pull at his hair and shift in his grey joggers that are definitely not his but Louis’.

Swallowing before taking a deep breath to prepare himself, Louis start to say, “So what did you want to -” Before getting cut off by Zayn saying, coldly, “Where were you?”

There’s an edge to Zayn’s voice, like it’s a dagger made from ice. Louis wants to whimper. He hates this Zayn, he’s never seen him like this before. He’s never seen him so cold and distant, well at least he’s never, ever, been this way towards Louis.

“I went to Mickey’s with Liam and two of the girls - Perrie and Sophia, the one who was away - for a few pints.” Louis knows before he finishes talking that Zayn is frustrated by his answer. He hates it. Lous is allowed to have other friends, he doesn’t care if Zayn’s jealous as a friend or because he, for some reason, does have feelings for Louis. Louis shouldn’t feel worried about how Zayn will act when he makes a new friend.

“Why is that such a problem with you?” Louis asks, annoyed. He can feel his blood pressure rising, his face getting hot.

Zayn rolls his eyes and snarls. “Was it a double date?”

Louis’ mouth drops open in, not shock, but because he cannot believe what he just heard. He cannot believe this right now. “Why would that even matter if it was? You were like this at Harry’s too. What does Liam have to do with anything? What’s been going on with you?” Louis lets the words and questions that have been building up in him for days roll out of his mouth.

Getting up from the couch, Zayn walks around the small table they have in the center and makes his way to the hallway towards the bedrooms. “Forget I said anything,” he mumbles.

“Oh fuck no!” Louis yells, getting up and following Zayn down the hallway and into his bedroom. “I’m so fed up with this Zayn. What’s wrong? Just fucking tell me what’s wrong.” Louis grabs at his own hair in frustration. “I’ve had no fucking clue what’s been up with you for _weeks_.”

Zayn starts pacing back and forth in his small room. There’s clothes and books scattered across the floor, even a few colored pencils and markers. “I just.” He groans. “What’s been up with _you_?” Zayn bites back.

“What,” Louis stutters, “What are you talking about?” He immediately wraps his hand around his wrist with the bracelet on it, like Zayn will figure him out if he sees the colors. Before he can lose his ground Louis reasserts himself and says, “No, you don’t get to turn this around. You’ve been being a major twat ever since the first time we went to go paintballing.” Louis takes a breath. “For fuck’s sake Zayn you even got cross at me for staying at Harry’s! What the fuck was that about?” he shouts.

Zayn stares at him. Blinking, like he doesn’t understand why Louis is the one that’s now mad and shouting at him. “I was…” he trails off, almost deflating when he realises Louis’ words and sees how ridiculous he’s actually been being.

“You were what Zayn?” Louis asks almost softly but with annoyance in his tone.

“I was just jealous, okay?” he spits, sitting down on his bed and rubbing his hands over his face with his elbows on his knees. “Is that what you wanted to hear? Is it? Because that’s it. I was jealous you kept flirting with Liam. I was jealous that you would rather have talked with Harry about something rather than me,” his voice cracks.

If life were a movie then this is the moment where the background sound would fade out and they’d edit in the sound of a heartbeat while zoomed in on Louis’ face. He’s pretty sure he’s stopped breathing, replaying _I was just jealous, okay?_ inside his head over and over until it doesn’t even sound like words anymore.

He takes a stuttering breath, the sound comes back and the camera zooms out to Zayn staring blankly at Louis. He looks scared, like he shouldn’t have even said what he said.

Louis doesn’t know whether to feel hopeful or like his whole world has just come crashing down. This means that Zayn has some type of feelings for him right? _I was jealous you kept flirting with Liam_. Louis repeats in his head. That has to mean that Zayn would rather have Louis flirt with _him_. Right? On the other hand how would they even date? Sure Zayn would accept Louis being asexual as a friend but what if they were in a relationship? How would he feel about it then?

Sighing, Louis walks over and sits next to Zayn at the end of his bed; Zayn side eyes him.

“You’re not, like, weirded out?” Zayn mutters.

Louis shrugs. “Why would I be? You’re my best mate, Zayn, you have a right to be jealous.”

Zayn chuckles wetly, shaking his head. “I wasn’t that kind of jealous,” he nearly whispers.

There goes Louis’ heart again, stopping in his chest. This can’t be good for a 20 something year old. “What do you mean _I wasn’t that kind of jealous_?” Louis asks tentatively.

Everything around them is so quiet, so still that they could probably hear a pin drop if it happened.

Zayn starts picking at his blanket, pulling at the loose strings. “I was jealous _of_ Liam,” he mumbles. “Like, I wanted to be him while you were flirting with him.”

And there it is, folks. Louis’ heart finally gives up the race, stopping not only his pulse but his breath too. He turns towards Zayn, face blank of emotion until he feels the tears start to well up. He blinks to try and hold them back. Isn’t this what he wanted? So, why is he crying? Why does he feel like his heart if breaking instead of  growing?

“Lou?” Zayn asks, wrapping his arm around Louis’ shoulders and pulling him into his side. “I’m sorry,” Zayn starts to apologise. “I didn’t want to make things weird but that just turned me into a twat.” He starts rubbing Louis’ shoulder. “I can go stay at Niall’s tonight if you feel too uncomfortable.”

Louis sobs, grabbing onto Zayn’s shirt and and clasping the fabric into a fist as he buries his face into the space between Zayn’s shoulder and neck. “It’s not that,” he finally manages to get out, choking back and swallowing air before continuing. “I get it.”

Zayn stops rubbing his shoulder and pushes him back a little so they can look at each other. “You get it?”

Louis nods slowly, wiping the tears from his eyes and cheeks. “I, uh,” he laughs nervously, “Sort of.” He shrugs and starts to smile when he sees Zayn’s hazel eyes and the mirth that’s exploding in them.

Laughing, Louis shoves Zayn’s shoulder. “You complete arse!” Zayn cackles, falling back on the bed and staring up at the ceiling, his stomach rises and falls with each breath he takes when he laughs. Louis sighs and falls back so he’s lying beside Zayn.

Turning his head, Louis meets Zayn’s eyes and he smiles. “Yeah?”

“Yeah,” Zayn smiles and trails his hand on the bed until he finds Louis’ and interlaces them together.

Louis can’t believe this. In what world does this actually happen? Practically falling in love with your bestfriend and them feeling the same way back. That is usually only ever a thing that happens in fictional worlds and barely ever the real one.

They lay together in silence for what seems like hours, staring at the ceiling and squeezing their hands together. They’ll occasionally turn their heads and look at each other, smiling or making ridiculous faces at one another until they start laughing maniacally.

Louis feels restless, like there’s something he has to do. He takes a deep breath and turns towards Zayn. He was going to wait and tell him because they were fighting and being idiotic but if they talk more about this and decide to give it a go he’d rather have Zayn informed from the get-go.

“I have to tell you something,” Louis whispers nervously.

“Yeah?” Zayn answers back just as quietly, squeezing Louis’ hand.

Louis stays silent for a couple minutes. He knows Zayn won’t be mean about this and won’t make it weird but he’s worried it could ruin what they could have together, then again if that were to happen then the relationship wouldn’t be worth it, would it? If Zayn couldn’t accept Louis for who he was there would be no point.

“I’m asexual,” Louis states, holding his breath.

Zayn stays quiet until he clears his throat and sits up. Louis’ heart speeds up in terror, he really hopes he didn’t just ruin this. Before he can start to beat himself up over it though Zayn turns towards him and smiles a little shyly. “Me too.”

And, wait, what?

Louis blinks, his heart has been through so much today. “You are?”

Zayn chuckles a little. “Well, I’m more gray-ace if I’m honest.”

“That means you’re sort of in the middle right?” Louis question.

“For lack of a better explanation, yeah.” Zayn smiles.

Louis playfully punches Zayn’s arm. “Why did you never tell me!”

“Hey! You never told me either!” Zayn laughs, rubbing over the spot where Louis punched.

“I just figured it out,” Louis breaths out, “That’s what I was talking to Harry about. You know,” he shrugs, “because of the youth group thing he does.”

“Ahh,” Zayn nods. “That makes sense.”

Another brief silence falls over them before Zayn says, “Wanna go see the new Spiderman movie?”

It’s so nonchalant and normal, like they both didn’t just confess their feelings for one another and didn’t just come out.

Louis chuckles, smiling. “You know I’m a sucker for boys being bitten by mutant spiders.”

He gets off the bed to go wash his face from the drying tears from earlier, but before he can leave the room Zayn grabs his wrist, right over the bracelet and pulls up towards his chest.

“How do you feel about kissing?” Zayn asks, head tilted, and amused.

“I like kissing, yeah.” Louis nods, cheeks pink under Zayn’s gaze. “What about you?”

“Kissing is good for me.” The corner of Zayn’s mouth quirks up before he leans in, hovering over Louis’ pink lips. “Can I kiss you or is that too soon?”

Louis rolls his eyes, leaning forward and pressing his lips softly against Zayn’s own dry ones. They kiss softly, mostly just pecks with Zayn running his hands on Louis’ hips and making him crazy. Has he ever mentioned how much he loves being touched like this? All gently with no intent.

Pulling away, Louis presses one more kiss to the corner of Zayn’s mouth before lacing their fingers together. “Come on, we don’t want to be late like usual.”

“Hey! You’re the one that always makes us late!” Zayn yells mock-offended.

“Yeah, whatever you say Zayn.” Louis laughs, pulling Zayn out of the flat.

He never thought he could feel so happy because of another person. When he accepted that he never really liked sex he figured he’d never have this because most of soceity are so sex-obsessed but now he has Zayn who knows pretty much exactly how he feels. Plus he has a whole community to back him up and to talk to. He has Harry for general advice and and has Lucy if he ever has any other questions and wonders.

There’s such a comfort in knowing that Louis can openly love Zayn without ever having to worry about him trying to force him into anything that he wouldn’t want to do.

When Louis hears the loud clap of thunder from the sky he looks at Zayn beside him and smiles. “I’ll race you to the crosswalk.”

Louis doesn’t even wait for Zayn’s response before he starts running.

♤♢

                  **8 months later**

Life is like a never ending staircase with broken down elevators just to the left. You climb each step and take a brief break at each landing with each obstacle and accomplish you face. Some flights are longer than others, seeming like you’ll never get to the next landing, to that next water bottle break you’re so desperate for. But you do. You make it because you want that god damn water bottle and to take a much needed rest before you start the next.

Louis doesn’t know how many stairs he’s climbed over the last couple of years, he just knows that each time he has that same stair dream he’s a flight higher and feels different with each flight. The climb changes him, each breath cleansing him, each drink replenishing what he’s missing.

He knows the most recent stair dream has to do with two things: him and Zayn making it past 6 months and him getting a promotion at his job.

The promotion was very unexpected to say the least. He wasn’t even really working towards that, he wasn’t even sure he was going to stay with that editing and publishing company for much longer but apparently Karl had put in yet another good word for him when one of the scouts got fired. So now instead of going through emails and setting up meetings, he goes through the unpublished pile that sits in one of their conference rooms.

He never would have thought that reading someone’s work could make him excited, but occasionally he’ll come across that one piece, that one novel, that makes his entire being heat up and make _him_ feel like he’s glowing.

It’s definitely way better than reading emails.

As much as he would like to say that he’s surprised he and Zayn have made it past six months, he really isn’t.

Their relationship isn’t that much different than it was before they became “official.” It’s just that now they kiss sometimes and probably look at each other like some rare piece of precious metal that they never want to let go of.

Now, for instance, Louis can feel Zayn staring at him from the spot directly next to him. It makes Louis feel like he’s having an outer body experience, like he’s watching from across the room how Zayn is shyly smiling, scooting closer until he’s lined up with Louis’ side, grabbing his hand and sliding their fingers together.

“Hey,” Zayn whispers, bringing Louis back.

Louis turns his head, smiling immediately when he realises how close Zayn is to him. Louis rolls his eyes when Zayn leans in. They’re both quite fond of kissing and Louis will admit to getting lost in it, especially when Zayn acts like they’re the only ones in the world with how gently he’ll hold Louis.

Pausing before connecting their lips, Zayn asks, “This okay?”

They say that when you’re deprived of your senses you can hear your heartbeat and muscles move. Louis doesn’t disagree because you know, science is usually right most of the time, but he doesn’t think that’s the only way to hear the loudness of your own heartbeat.

Instances like this is what Louis means.

Even though they’ve been together for nearly a year - a _fucking_ year - Zayn will still always make sure that Louis is comfortable and okay with kissing because he knows that there are some times when Louis really isn’t into it. He doesn’t make Louis feel bad or guilty or anything either, he just nods and smiles with a quiet okay and lets Louis cuddle into his shoulder.

Louis doesn’t verbally answer, instead he blinks and silently climbs into Zayn’s lap, one of his favorite places to be and kisses him. It’s soft and so so so - for lack of a better and less cringe worthy word - passionate. Louis loves it.

Zayn knows how much Louis enjoys the closeness of touching too, so he always runs his hands along Louis’ arms, back, neck, even just above Louis’ knees. It’s something like electricity when Louis feels like he can feel the love and intimacy that’s emitting from Zayn’s hands with every touch and caress.

It didn’t take Louis long into their relationship to realise that some people deprive themselves of touches like these, that non-sexual intimacy that everyone needs, even if it’s just a reassuring hand on the shoulder or hug when something upsetting happens.

Louis slinks his arms around Zayn’s neck, sliding his fingers into his hair and massaging his scalp, making Zayn smile and pinch at Louis’ hips.

A conversation Louis had with one of his colleagues at work pops into his head.

It wasn't too long ago, a few weeks at best, when he was sitting in the kitchen eating his lunch when Karen walked in with Jessica right behind her. They’re both older than Louis, at least 10 years his senior he thinks. He doesn’t see them often because they’re on totally opposite sides of the floor but he’s always loved their company at lunch.

“Ladies.” he nodded and smiled.

“Louis.” Jessica smiled after she grabbed her lunch bag from the fridge. She’s a short woman with dark brown hair that’s cut into a bob. She reminds him a lot of his mother with the way she talks about life and problems, it’s comforting.

Karen, on the other hand, is probably almost as tall as Harry with long, blonde hair that looks so shiny and wavy she could be in a hair advert. When she sits next to Jessica and across from Louis she sighs.

“Everything okay?” Louis asked, he never liked seeing people sad.

“Karen is a little upset at her husband at the moment.” Jessica informed Louis, unwrapping her sandwich and taking a bite.

He tilted his head in questioning, throwing a crisp into his mouth.

Karen sighed again before answering. “There’s never any foreplay. It’s always just kiss and then straight to sex.”

Louis has also gotten more comfortable with sex being mentioned around him and with telling people he’s asexual and explaining it. He thinks going with Harry sometimes to his youth group really helped with that.

“Non-sexual intimacy is just as important,” he started, taking a sip of his drink before continuing, “It can be just as exciting and fulfilling too.”

Karen and Jessica both looked at each other before looking back at Louis. “Why can’t all men think like that.”

Louis cackled, throwing his head back and then shaking it. “I think most men are scared if they do think like that they’ll be accused of being ‘too feminine.’ Whatever that means.”

And that’s when Louis realised that maybe in a lot of long-term-allo relationships the sex just becomes that. Sex. He’s talked to Harry and others about it. What they see in sex and why they like it because, you know, Louis was curious, he still knows he will probably never have sex but he likes to be informed.

Basically, everyone said it’s for the closeness, pleasure, and, if you’re like Harry, the attention from the other person. So when does it stop being that for people? It’s always going to be pleasure for at least one party, Louis internally shakes his head at guys who don’t finish off their partners, he’s heard the stories.

At least with him and Zayn he knows they’ll always have that, or well he hopes they do anyways. He hopes they’ll always have that close intimacy that they’ve built over their years of friendship and months of a romantic relationship.

Louis and Zayn kiss for hours it seems like, they only stop and pull a part for breathy chuckles and to smile at each other. They finally stop all together when they hear a knock on the door. Louis groans, shoving his face into Zayn’s neck and shoulder.

“This is what we get for having friends,” Louis grumbles.

Zayn laughs, nudging Louis from his lap so he can get up and answer the door for Niall and Harry.

“Oh no,” Harry says when he sees Louis pouting on the couch. “We interrupted again didn’t we?”

“Again being the keyword,” Louis mumbles.

“Oh, Lou, come on. We all know you love movie night.” Niall comes and flops down next to Louis on the couch, placing his arm behind him on the couch.

“Next time I’m gonna interrupt you guys,” Louis mutters.

“What?” Harry asks from the chair next to the couch.

“Nothing.” Louis hops up, “Who wants popcorn!”

Zayn’s already in the kitchen grabbing beers from the fridge and pulling out the two bowls they put the popcorn in. Louis walks over to the cabinet and grabs the Jiffy Pop and then turns towards the stove, placing the pan there and turning it on.

“Come ‘ere,” Zayn whispers, putting down the beers on the counter and pulling Louis in by the hem of his shirt.

Louis goes easily leaning against Zayn who kisses the crown of his head. “I love you,” he whispers.

Nothing makes Louis feel more like he’s glowing or going to explode like a star than when Zayn says that. There’s just something so innocent about how he says it, maybe it’s the softness in his voice or the gentle kiss he presses to Louis’ mouth.

“I love you too,” Louis says just as soft.

They stay together while the popcorn starts to pop and Niall and Harry argue over which film to watch like they don’t already know Louis’ going to veto whatever they chose anyways.

Louis gets lost in it all. He gets lost in Zayn’s arms and his soft humming. He gets lost in how at home he feels standing here with the sound of popcorn getting louder and Harry yelling at Niall because he’s said something ignorant. He has gotten better though, who wouldn’t after being told off so many times?

There’s a bubble that grows in Louis’ chest, like it’s a hot air balloon that’s trying to rise out of his chest. He feels so overwhelmed at times like these, like every feeling is rushing through him.

He leans back so he can look at Zayn before he leans in to kiss him. People may think that just kissing gets boring but it never does. Louis can never get enough of it, of the gentleness and of the pure peace he feels with knowing Zayn understands and respects his boundaries.

There’s a loud popping sound, startling Louis to open his eyes and pull away to see popcorn raining around them and the Jiffy Pop top exploded, with popcorn pouring out.

Louis leans back and turns off the stove before meeting Zayn’s eyes and cackling, his heart soaked in love and happiness. There’s no better feeling in Louis’ opinion.

Zayn leans in, trying to kiss Louis through his smile.

“Again!” Niall yells from the doorway. “God, next time _I’m_ making the popcorn. You wasteful...,” he mumbles off as he heads back into the living room to complain to Harry.

“How many popcorns have we wasted because this has happened?” Louis asks, amused.

“Enough to get Niall to want to do it.” Zayn laughs, pinching Louis’ side.

Louis shrugs. “Whatever, kissing is better than popcorn making anyways.”

Zayn shakes his head, pulling away and dumping the popcorn that’s still in the little pan into the bowl and walking into the living room.

Louis can hear his heartbeat again, and he’s sure if someone asked him he’d say he prefers popcorn rain kisses over regular rain kisses any day.

                  **fin**

**Author's Note:**

> kudos and comments always appreciated .x
> 
> some fic things that might not be so obvious but what i had in mind while writing:  
> \- most of the beginning when louis is small and has the interactions w harry was to show how affectionate i wanted louis to be from when he was very small.  
> \- i wanted to make louis and harry's relationship one that was strong and trustful enough to where louis could go to harry about his confusion while zayn was being a jerk.  
> \- i have to admit i was very confused and sort of took me a while to figure out how to seed in the whole "they're both so hung up on the idea that dating = sex" into the fic for some reason so hopefully i did that well and it came across okay. 
> 
> and that's pretty much it! thank you so much for reading! if you have any questions or anything you can message me on my tumblr (above!) and i'll be happy to answer them!!
> 
> [okay wow so i'm adding this post posting, this has been up for nearly two months now and i have to say i'm honestly so flattered and happy about all the comments and feedback i've gotten on it. i'm so relieved that people have been liking it and have been saying how it's pretty realistic and that they can relate to it in some way which makes me so !!! as i said in earlier notes i was so nervous when i first decided to write this but now i'm so happy i did because of the response, so thank you all - who have left comments or read this - for doing so!!! i appreciate it so so so much .xx]


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